Results Recap

This year's finale was even more cobbled-together-variety-show-by-insane-people than it usually is, which I enjoyed a great deal.

Ryan opened the show by lying to us yet again and trying to convince us that it was the best season ever. The rating say otherwise, Seacrest. The vote breakdown was 56%/44%, and naturally I assume wee David Archuleta spanked David Cook with his screaming cult of 12-year-old girls.

Then he greets the judges. Randy's dressed like the doorman at the Willy Wonka hotel, in a red jacket with large white piping and checkered ascot. A tribute to Michael Johns, perhaps? Simon's chest is exposed, natch, and it's very red and very shiny. Hot wax treatment? I shuddered a little typing that.

They've lined up some ex-contestants to cover the rallies in the Davids' hometowns; Mikalah Gordon from season four in Kansas City and season three's Matthew Rogers in Salt Lake City. I am not even exagerating a little bit when I tell you that they are the two most annoying people ever to walk the earth. I tend to think America doesn't often get it right when they're given an opportunity to vote on something, but I thank my lucky stars they sent those two tools packing when they did.

I'm not going to recap any of the group sings, because it all sounds like It's a Sunshine Day to me. I will point out some highlights, though. Final 12 from last season's So You Think You Can Dance? Awesome. Amanda Overmyer trying to sing anything? The second she opened her mouth to sing, the boyfriend said, "What is that?!" and then giggled every single time she opened her mouth for the entire show. Why did Amanda even show up? I did totally groove to "Freedom," though, because I fucking LOVE that song.

I also won't be recapping The Love Guru bullshit. In fact, I'm calling FOX today and demanding to be reimbursed for that five minutes of my life. I think six zeroes should do it.

Celebrities in the audience: Holly Robinson Peete, Janice Dickenson, Joel McHale and a whole bunch of past contestants including Melinda Doolittle, Bo Bice and Justin Guarini.

Celebrities on stage in run-on fashion: Seal, with Syesha, Donna Summer, with Syesha, Jimmy Kimmel, Bryan Adams, looking exactly how you'd expect him to look after not seeing him for thirty years, ZZ Top, with David Cook, Graham Nash, with Brooke White, the chaste Jonas Brothers, who I had never, ever seen before the show, One Republic, with David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks, in the least flattering dress ever made (seriously, if a dress makes your calves look fat, you need to fire your stylist), Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Robert Downey Jr. singing backup for Fake Gladys Knight and it's not funny AT ALL, and George Michael, bespectacled and mumbly.

The Ford commercial is nothing more than a clip show set to the tune of "Let the Good Times Roll." I hate clip shows. Very lazy.

No Golden Idols this year, thank God, but we do get a performance from Renaldo Lapuz, reprising his mega-hit "I Am Your Brother," complete with a marching band and cheerleaders, and then later, Paula and Randy join him on stage and bop around uncomfortably. It's funny for about 30 seconds, and then my ears start to bleed, which really decreases my enjoyment factor.

Carrie Underwood, you guys. I mean, what?! She was wearing a suit jacket with sleeves that came down to the floor, and no pants. I mean, what?! How do you even reconcile that in your head? It's like she had pants on at one point, and then decided to cut them at the crotch and glue them to her sleeves. The thing is, Carrie Underwood seems so normal. If Dolly showed up in that, I wouldn't even blink. But I continue to be just flummoxed by the insane shit Carrie Underwood wears on stage. And now the song. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you don't let Jesus take the wheel:

Last night I got served a little too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name

We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot Well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So I blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name
Here we go...

Today I woke up thinkin' about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I'm not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared out of nowhere
I gotta go
I take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road
They say what happens here stays here
All of this will disappear
There's just one little problem...

I don't even know my last name
Oh my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

What have I done
What have I done
What have I done
Oh, what have I done
I don't even know my last name

It turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

Carrie Underwood is a whore, yo. Results, time, FINALLY. Simon apologizes to David Cook for being hard on him, and David Cook looks so unbelievably pissed, because he's thinking that Simon totally fucked him with his criticism and Archuleta's going to win. But... it's David Cook! By 12 million votes! 98 million total!

So here's where I make my startling admission, y'all. I was touched when he won. He cried. And then he sang his crappy, awful single, "The Time of My Life," which has nothing whatsoever to do with putting baby in a corner, and he's grinning from ear to ear, and he's singing the cheesy lyrics like he really believes them, and I'll admit it: It got me righthere.

"I'm going to make a prediction," I said to the boyfriend. "David Cook is going to be more famous than Daughtry." He's skeptical, but really, just happy that the show is over and wondering why he agreed to watch it with me in the first place.

So that's it. The season was boring and made me want to stab myself in the eye, Jason Castro made my loins tingle, and the last five minutes of the finale warmed my cold, dead heart. I still fucking hate David Cook, though. Sort of.

America, Meet Your New American Idol

Well peanuts, that's it... our long national nightmare is over. David Cook is your American Idol, much to my surprise and not so much to my delight. Expect my full recap tomorrow, and I do mean "full." So much to discuss! For instance, who stole Carrie Underwood's pants? How does Simon make his chest so very red and shiny? And what on earth did George Michael mumble during his banter with Ryan? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Season Finale (Part 1): Recap

Wow, so I wasn't so far off last week when I guessed that the Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! guy was in the audience. I'm a little shocked at my accuracy 'cause I totally pulled that out of my ass. I should really fish around in there for some number combinations and then take a crack at this week's Lotto. It's not everyone who has a magical, soothsaying rear end, you know.

Anyhoo, the annoying announcer was there to kick off a night of belabored boxing references. I still don't quite understand how Andrew Lloyd Webber fit into the picture... unless, of course, you factor in all the critics and nay-sayers who would be all too happy to beat his ass down. Yes, me included. Actually, I'd prefer to wrestle him a steel cage match. Just 'cause.

So, in the red corner or whatever, was David Cook who bounced around and punched at the air with credible skill and effect. Less successful was wee David Archuleta who just sort of flung his arms up over his head and bounded uncomfortably toward the center of the stage. I'm not the least bit surprised that Cook's was the better result since he merely did what he's been doing all season long -- copying someone else's work. In this case, Carl Weathers'.

First Round: Song Selection by Rudy Giuliani, er, I mean, Clive Davis

David Cook: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2
Save for one ill-advised "C'mon!" I was happy to see that Cook left the arrangement intact and sung a faithful rendition of the original. I totally didn't hate it. Nor did Randy who dubbed it "Hot, baby!" Paula went the obvious route and told David that he was "what we're looking for." Um, speak for yourself there, Paula. Simon rounded out the love fest calling the performance "phenomenal."

David Archuleta: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John
Um, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I thought David Cook smoked wee David in this round. The judges disagreed. Randy upped the temperature to "Molten hot!" whereas Paula's nips were at attention because wee David had given her the chills. Simon weighed in with his signature fake-out where he started off by saying something ominous and then ended up planting a a big wet one on Archuleta.

Result: Round One to Archuleta.

Second Round: Song Contest Selections

Cook: "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton
I did not enjoy that. Then again, I never enjoy these original songs. And, ew, this one sounded a lot like Survivor. If there's one thing worse than a Survivor song (save for "Eye of the Tiger") it's a song that merely sounds like a Survivor song. Seriously, is the Survivor sound something anyone needs to emulate? What's next? A Mr. Mister cover band?

Wow, the very idea of that just sent a cold shiver up and down my spine.

Archuleta: "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore
I knew before he even opened his mouth that Archuleta would take this round. He's all about the uplifting cheese and well, so are the dildos who apply for this fucking contest.

Result: Cook shouldn't have even bothered.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

I thought for sure Cook would handily win this round because, while his arrangements aren't all that original (despite misguided popular opinion), he has been very good at picking different showcase-y songs for his voice and style. Um yeah, not tonight.

He opted for "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... Dude, Collective Soul? Really? Why? Even more surprising was that he maintained an even, quiet pace throughout. He didn't resort to his usual slow-build-then-screamy-big-finish as he's done pretty much every week prior. As a result, he was met with subdued praise by the judges... Well, the two judges who didn't want to jump his bones. You see, Paula's cooch speaks for her when Cook is on the stage so I'm not even going to dignify her verbal queefs, if you will, with further analysis.

Randy called it "very nice" but Simon thought he should have reprised "Billie Jean" or "Hello." He also called Cook one of the nicest contestants ever and then immediately looked pissed and regretful when Cook opined about his time on the show being "a progression" and therefore, he didn't want to repeat himself. Simon prefers when you feign modesty with the namaste-like bows, David. I'd tell you to make note but well, too late!

David Archuleta smartly trotted out "Imagine" one last time, sans the blasphemous first verse. Randy was all "You're the best singer ever! Woooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I mention you could sing the phone book?! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Paula claimed to be speechless even though nonsensical words continued to fall out her mouf. Lots of them. Simon informed us that we had just witnessed a knock-out. I was all, "Um, okay" but then I promptly picked up the phone and voted for David Archuleta like a million times. He's persuasive, that Simon.

However, according to most of you, my votes are in vain. Our poll (live until 8PM EST tomorrow) currently has David Cook spanking both Archuleta and apathy. There's still time to reverse it! Clear your cookies and vote again! Or else, I may very well toss mine.

Midol on AOL TV!

AOL Television posted a blogger prediction round-up today, and yours truly is quoted, along with a sweet link to this here blog. I think they went with my quote because it was the shortest after Mejack's, which advocated grievous bodily harm. I really thought the puppy kicking and porn references would get cut, though, but I'm glad they didn't. Check it out!

Top 3: Results Show

Well, that was a pointless exercise. I'm not even going give you people on the west coast a spoiler alert because, really, are the results even surprising? The Davids advance while Syesha is Sarasota-bound.

Starting off the colossal waste of time was the group sing. This week's ritual slaughter was "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," complete with choreography! You know, for a supposed bad ass rocker, David Cook looked all too game and comfortable doing the retarded dance steps. Lame-o.

Before cutting to a commercial, the camera panned the audience revealing some gray-hair who I think, but don't quote me, was the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble!" dude. Oh, and David Hernandez. Man, I totally forgot about that guy and the accompanying gay non-scandalous scandal.

After the commercial, Season 3 winner, Fantasia, took the stage sporting a shade of lipstick that miraculously matched her shock of hot pink hair. Her performance of "Bore Me" was... um... actually, here's Simon's reaction which I think says it all:

Incredulous.

Up next, the journeys home. It was at this time that my cable decided it was time to resume its recent habit of freezing up, pixelating and warping the picture and then jumping ahead, leaving entire blocks of time in its wake. Actually, come to think of it, I think this is probably what it feels like to be Paula Abdul.

So, I missed most of David Archuleta's return to Murray, Utah and a good chunk of Syesha's time in the Tampa area. I did catch the mayor of Sarasota, Lou Ann Palmer, doing a handstand, of all things. You KNOW she's been practicing that since Syesha got her golden ticket.

Unfortunately, my cable stopped crapping out just in time for the David Cook coronation in Blue Springs, MO which was characterized by lots of screaming girls and David dramatically dabbing the tears from his eyes. Pussy.

And then, finally, after about 58 minutes of time-wasting nonsense, we arrived at the most anti-climatic decision since poor Kimberly Locke had to pretend she had actually had a shot at toppling either Ruben Studdard or Clay Aiken way back in Season 2. Syesha Mercado accepted her fate without tears nor invoking the memory of the civil rights movement. That, perhaps, was the most shocking thing of all.

So, to summarize for you skimmers and/or dolts, your Top 2 are David Archuleta and... yaaaaaaaaawn... David Cook. My money's on Archuleta. What do you think?

more at twiigs.com...

Top 3 Recap

Lest anyone ever claim that American Idol is not completely fixed, I present to you tonight's episode. With a few exceptions, everyone associated with this show wants David Cook to win and hates Syesha Mercado. Weirdest song choices ever, which made the fact that I don't care about any of these people less of a factor and allowed me to actually get through it. Let's get to it then, shall we?

David Archuleta

Judges' Choice: "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, chosen by Paula and delivered by Mayor Snarr from Murray City, Utah, who is rocking the fiercest, longest, pointiest mustache ever and what appears to be a "Members Only" jacket for membership in the U.S. of A. Randy: You're in it to win it, baby! Paula: Beautiful performance. Simon: Bit predictable, but good. Jess: Boring and creepy.

Singer's Choice: "With You," by Chris Brown. Randy: Wrong song choice. Paula: Great job, but he needs to focus on shortening up the phrases. Simon: Like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. Jess: The girls are positively wetting themselves. He's paying too much attention to pandering to them, and not enough time keeping his song under control. It's shaky.

Producers' Choice: "Longer," by Dan Fogelberg. Randy: interesting song choice, another hot one! Paula: lovely. Simon: too gooey. Jess: I can't even comment on how the song was, because I cannot get over that choice. Are the producers selecting their songs from Shady Pines, or do they just hate David Archuleta?

Syesha Mercado

Judges' Choice: "If I Ain't Got You," by Alicia Keys. selected by Randy and delivered via text message while she rode in a limo in Tampa. Randy: Amazing job. Paula: She looks stunning, which means Paula was bored, too. Simon: Wishes Randy had chosen something more interesting. Word. Jess: Boring and pretty, which kind of sums up how I feel about Syesha.

Singer's Choice: "Fever," by Peggy Lee. Randy: Great performance. Paula: Interesting choice, but not sure it showcases who Syesha is. Simon: She'll regret choosing that song, lame cabaret performance. Jess: I think she knows she won't win at this point, and is auditioning for Broadway.

Producers' Choice: "Hit Me Up," by Gia Farrell. Randy: Just okay for me. Paula: Not the right type of song for Syesha. Simon: her week last week was the best, this song didn't define her. Jess: Stupid song choice, but she did what she could.

David Cook

Judges' Choice: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack, chosen by Simon, who is apparently a genius, and delivered via text message while David was on the air at the FOX affiliate in Kansas City. Randy: Wishes Simon had picked something more rock 'n' roll. Paula: (who seems pretty lucid tonight) David is her second favorite person who sings it (never mind on that lucid thing). Simon: One of his best performances. Jess: David looked super pissed to have to sing it. And it pains me to say, but he really brought it home. It was good. Fucking hell.

Singer's Choice: "Dare You to Move," by Switchfoot. Who? Randy: a little pitchy. Paula: too hard to condense into a minute and a half. Simon: Not the most melodic song in the world. Okay. Jess: Didn't love the song, but it was okay.

Producers' Choice: "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," by Aerosmith. Randy: Just okay for him. Paula: lots of blah blah crazy talk about how she wants to fuck him, possibly while Diane Warren watches. Simon: David Cook wins the night. Jess: IS PAULA WEARING A PLEATHER CORSET? It's predictably good. It makes me nostalgic for Antonella Barba, though. Those were good times, back when Idol was actually interesting and I gave a shit about who won or lost.

Prediction: Bye, bye Syesha. You'll kick ass in Chicago.

By the way, Justin Guarini came to Saturday detention because he didn't have anything better to do today.

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.