Like, I know Neil Diamond is a legend and crap but I have to say, this week's show? Not so memorable. Perhaps I was just distracted by all the shiny sequins on Neil's shirts in the tribute montage thingy.
Is it just me or was that sequence quite heavy on The Jazz Singer clips? I think I need to add that movie to my Netflix queue. I haven't seen it in ages. I remember Laurence of Arabia played the disapproving father in it. Oh wait, or was it Laurence Olivier as the grumpy dad? Whatever. I DO remember that Lucie Arnaz was in it because I'm random like that.
Anyhoo, Idol... yeah, so last night's show wasn't much to blog about... as you can see by the dearth of recaps up in here. Paula's retardation was the only stand-out and well, that's not exactly news now is it?
In tonight's installment, we wasted a good 15 minutes or so on the medley (no "America"! Thank you, David Archuleta!), recaps from the previous night and then an extended promo for So You Think You Can Dance. I won't bitch about the latter too much since Mejack and Jess will kick my ass but good. They're big ol' fans, see.
After the commercial break, the producers made a half-assed attempt at suspense by lumping David Cook, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado in the at-risk group. If you really wanted to dick us around, Idol powers-that-be, you could have sent Syesha to safety first and made David sweat it out a little bit. But noooooooooooo. He of the ridiculous hair was released to the couches right away. Actually, he was soon followed by the two doomed broads because this was only 24 minutes into the broadcast and filler comes before fate, girls!
Helping to stretch out the broadcast:
A performance by Natasha Bedingfield
More stupid viewer calls including one from a Ms. Tara Miller, Simon's first kiss at the ripe old age of 9 (Go Simon!)
A performance by Neil Diamond, sans sparkly shirt
A drawn-out post-performance Q&A conducted by Ryan who was no doubt dutifully obeying the director's order to stretch
And then, finally, the results. Brooke was already crying by the time she and Syesha made it to the center of the stage. Ryan, sensing her increasingly delicate state -- and not wanting to be blamed for her mental collapse -- delivered the news quickly and mercifully... Brooke was the next to go. Hit it, Ruben!
Brooke's tribute clip and sing-out actually made me sad. I felt for the girl. Sure, she made me uncomfortable week after week to the point of painful itching, but I didn't hate her or anything. And really, that's what these kids are really striving for, right? Record deal, schmecord deal. Staying off my shit is the ultimate goal for any worthwhile American Idol candidate.
Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.
Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.
So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!
This show officially disgusts me. First, we were beaten senseless with a nasty, off-key "All I Ask of You" group sing complete with Sir Andrew's piano accompaniment. My that man has an awkward relationship with the camera, doesn't he though?! When not gesturing like a goon, he had a tendency to expose his bottom lip and flash his his lower set of yellowing teeth. Tres chimp-like. His behavior tonight has all but guaranteed insomnia in my immediate future.
Even more disturbing was that the two strongest performers from the previous night -- Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson -- ended up in the bottom two. Such horse shit.
So, tonight we said goodbye to Carly Smithson but here's what we have to look forward to: a possible "America/Sweet Caroline" group medley during Neil Diamond week, at least one more Brooke meltdown, several more pinched arrangements from David Cook as well as dry-lipped-open-eyed David Archuleta performances. Lucky us.
That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!
Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.
While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.
Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?
Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.
Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.
Predictions Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.
Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.
Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.
Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.
Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.
I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.
Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.
David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.
Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.
Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.
On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.
On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.
David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.
Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?
Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado Going home: Syesha Mercado
Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?
The good news is, I'm all done with culinary school hell and will actually have the time and energy to post on a regular basis! The bad news is, one of these youngsters has to pack up his or her dreams and head back from whence they came.
But first there's something important we need to discuss. What is that monstrosity around Paula Abdul's neck? It looks like a flower bouquet ate and then threw up 12 diamond necklaces.
Mariah medley time. It sounds like a middle school choir performance. Everyone is pretty terrible, and it sounds like seven different songs are being sung at the same time. Ugh.
Secret boyfriend alert! Ryan knows that Simon has a grass skirt.
The kids are divided into groups, which I know because my mom called me all frantic that David Cook might be in the bottom three. Jason Castro is the first member of the group on Ryan's left. I'll call them Team Sexy. David Cook is the first member of the group on Ryan's right, which I'll be calling Team Smarmy. I have to give props to David for not playing the sick brother card. Didn't even mention it despite Ryan's prodding.
Carly Smithson joins Jason's team, forcing me to rename it. It's now Team Less Sexy. Kristy Lee rounds out Team Less Smarmy.
Ford Fusion time. "I Want to Break Free" by Queen is the song. Apparently, if you work in an office, you're a puppet, and the only thing that can save you is a ride in your Ford Fusion. No, really. I didn't make that up.
Oh, Elliott Yamin. You were my favorite underdog ever, and yet I just don't care anymore. I don't know what happened, honestly. Aw! He has "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand. That touches me. I care again. Well, I don't want to listen to him sing again, but I do care.
Syesha Mercado joins Team Less Sexy, bringing the sexy back. Brooke White joins Team Less Smarmy, making it Team Blond. Am I losing you? Let me recap:
Team Sexy: Jason, Carly and Syesha Team Blond: David Cook, Kristy, Brooke
I know that Carly isn't particularly sexy and David Cook isn't particularly blond, but I'm going with the law of averages here, people. Try to keep up. Which team with David Archuleta join? My guess is, the one in which everyone is safe, and I have no fucking clue which one that is at this point.
Call-in question time! I hate this segment so, so much. Joan, age 23, Vegas wants to ask Kristy if she ever got back the horse she sold to get to the audition. The answer is no, and Ryan asks the dude to not be such a douchebag and sell the damn horse back already. Jillian from Maine wants to know what the first record each judge owned was. Randy's was either Led Zeppelin, Beatles or James Brown. Paula's three, because she forgot that the question only asked for one, because OxyCodone hurts your short-term memory, were Jackson Five, Earth, Wind and Fire and Carole King. Simon's was Paula Abdul. Megan, age 15, Jersey, wants to know which of Paula's songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Megan is "the" Megan from Paula's reality show, which I don't know what that means but suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. Paula does some wacky wordplay with song titles and then says "applesauce" a bunch of times while standing on her head and rubbing her stomach. I don't fucking know. And this is the point where I tune out and start asking and answering my own questions.
Jess wants to know how Simon keeps his nipples erect all the time. Simon says, "ice cube bra." Jess also wants to know why Carly allows herself to be dressed in the most unflattering manor ever. Carly asks, "What do you mean?" Jess really, really wants to know if she can see Jason Castro naked. Jason says, "I thought you'd never ask, Sexy Mama!" That's right, baby. Come to Mama…
Mariah time, which in my house means "fast-forward time." Team Sexy and Team Blond are back up on the stage. Ryan summons The Archuleta, Decider of Fortunes. David Archuleta is safe, and in a twist of fate, David Cook and Syesha trade places! David Archuleta gets to pick which group he thinks is safe, but he sits on the floor instead. Team Sexy, which is no longer Sexy at all, is safe and he joins him.
Bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha. Syesha is… SAFE! Brooke is… SAFE! Kristy Lee Cook is OUT! IN YOUR FACE VOTE FOR THE WORST! She sings out by serenading Simon from her perch on the judges' table. She sounds really rough, but she gets a pass because she was crying five seconds ago. My guess is VFTW is going to pick either Brooke or Jason next. What do you think?
Every week, Ryan McDouchebag puts a longer pause after the word “This…” and before the words “is American Idol”. Tonight’s pause was about 45 minutes long. Enough with the drama, Queen. Gawd!
Oh. Mariah Carey is in the hizzouse tonight. Goody. I’m sure we’ll be treated to her freakish nose-whistling and breathy lisp. I can’t wait. By the way, I hope you picked up on my sarcasm, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.
I don’t think I’m going to know any of the songs the performers sing tonight because I make it a point to never, ever listen to Mariah Carey. Ever. Seriously. Like, I leave the room if I can hear her singing. Just not a fan, so I’m completely unfamiliar with all of her songs.
David Archuleta – “When you believe”. I’m not a lover of inspirational songs like this, and I’m guessing a few others that will be in tonight’s lineup. Nonetheless, going purely on his vocal, I thought little Davey did alright. I thought it was a little breathy, and I was worried that he would actually stick some falsetto in there like Mariah Carey suggested. Randy & Paula loved it and fell all over themselves telling him about it. Simon thought it was “very, very good.”
Carly Smithson – “Without You” I know this song even though Mariah Carey obviously recorded it because she ripped off covered the original by Badfinger. So there. I thought Carly knocked it out of the park, y’all. I thought her vocals were clear and spot-on; strong where strength was needed and I thought she pulled back at just the right moments. Randy, who I have decided is a misogynist, thought it was just alright. Paula “liked” it. Simon said she didn’t pull it off, that it was “an okay version”. Carly said she enjoyed herself and had a good time. I loved it.
Syesha Mercado – “Vanishing” I found it ironic that Syesha thought Mariah was “taking her time” to help her make the song her own by showing her how she should sing it. Although I probably won’t win any popularity contests for saying this, I hated it. I think I hated the style of the song and the way she sang it more than her vocal, which was actually pretty nice. I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon said technically it was very good, but said she should have chosen a more well-known song and thinks she might have put herself in danger. Syesha, you in danger, girl.
Brooke White – “Hero” Again with Mariah telling these poor contestants to sing about 5 octaves above where they’re comfortable singing. Brooke, accompanying herself on the piano, started off on a really sour note. Sour. Curdled. After that, she cleaned it up a little bit, but I finally realized something about her while she sang this: there is absolutely nothing whatsoever that is, even in the slightest way, exciting about Brooke White. After the bridge, Brooke lost it completely and started shaking uncontrollably which was visible in the very tight close-up, but it affected her vocal tremendously. Randy still loved it because he is retarded. Paula said she was identifiable. Whatever. Simon said “it was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.” Finally, a Cowell analogy that I can get behind.
Kristy Lee Cook – “Forever” Mariah said she got goosebumps listening to Kristy Lee singing this. Ohmygod me too! I always get goosebumps when I gag. Now I have to shave my legs again. Kristy Lee Cook can’t sing anything without burying it under a pile of Hillbillies and deep frying it. Randy acknowledged that it was pitchy but better towards the end. Paula was high on painkillers and loved it. Simon said she didn’t give him chills. I have a stronger gag reflex than he does.
David Cook – “Always be my baby” Thought he was “taking another step outside the box” by singing this song. If the judges like this, I’m going to shit down both legs. The Camera Fuckery alone made me want to kick him square in his balls. If I could reach him, I would have. I thought the vocal was shaky and too low a register for him. I thought it sucked ass. And of course, he had to try and rock out after the bridge. Like a big, combed-over weenie.
…aaaaaand, I’ve just shit down both legs. Randy loved it and stood to applaud him. Paula said it could be in a movie soundtrack. Simon said it was like “coming out of karaoke hell and into a breath of fresh air.” Gotta clean up before my husband comes on. He’s next.
Jason Castro – “I want to cry” Cleary, I’m gonna have to kick Mariah Carey’s ass for rubbing up on my man like that. I was too distracted by my burning loins to pay much attention to Jason’s vocal. No, actually, I thought it was sweet and sultry and I’ll kick Randy in the neck for not loving it. He thought it sounded like “a luau.” I thought it fit his style perfectly. Simon loved it just like the ultra-horny Paula did. I’m going to have to fight that bitch for my man.
My picks for bottom three: Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White, Syesha Mercado.
Going home: I think it might just be Brooke White.
"Almost lover" in my brains, that is. I talked it over with Jason Castro, and I picked him as my man-boy love servant anyway, so I'm not completely heartbroken that you're outie.
Michael Johns, your tour ends here. Errrrr... wait, that's the hit-the-curb line from "Rock of Love". Whatever. I think it was all those farkatke CRAVATS. Laterz, MJ. Go record an album. I'll buy it.
Three nights of Idol this week, peanuts. I know, I'm crying, too.
The theme is inspirational songs, because it's Idol Gives Back week. Just hearing those words come out of Ryan Seacrest's mouth brings back my debilitating migraine from this morning.
Michael Johns is up first, and he's wearing another cravat, and singing Aerosmith's "Dream On," because he came to this country with a dream. Has he always done that frown thing while he sings? It's very distracting. Seriously, who said to him, "You know what would be a totally badass signature look for you? Cravat." The arrangement of this is super weird for me. Not digging it. The high notes are awful. Randy thought it was pitchy, and gets booed by six million cravat lovers. Paula's boobs want out of that constricting sparkly dress, stat. She loved it, because she wants to bone him while he wears his cravat, and it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. Simon liked it more than I did, but he doesn't like it when Michael pretends to be a rock star.
"I don't actually have any Chihuahuas, Ryan."
"Take a tight shot and you'll see."
What does that even mean?! Why is Paula getting jokes that I'm not, when she's barely conscious?
Syesha Mercado is up next, and she misses Ramiele, her roommate until last week. She's singing "I Believe" by Fantasia, because she believes, and already I know this is a mistake. She sounds good, but I don't know this song so I have nothing to compare it to. I find her very talented, but she still bores me to tears. Randy thought that she didn't connect with the song the way Fantasia does. Paula thought she made it her own, and loved it. Simon thought she sang it well, but it lacked emotion. He wants her to find her own voice, instead of biting off of other talented singers. WORD.
Jason Castro is singing a version of "Over the Rainbow" by some guy with a ukulele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I know this version, actually, and I love Jason singing it. And if he were to sing it to me naked in bed in the glow of post-coital bliss, I would love it even more. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. I've got such a lady hard-on for that boy.
Kristy Lee Cook is singing "Anyway," by Martina McBride, and it's about pouring out your soul whether people want to put you in the bottom three every week or not. She actually sounds pretty good. I can't even hate on this. Randy thought it was pitchy, but liked it. Paula thought it was her best by far. Eric McCormack is there! Simon thought it was very good, indeed, and that she looked like a star, which, it was good, but that's going a bit far.
Some dude is sitting on Simon's lap, Mike Donell from FOX who Ryan says, "Hired us all."
David Cook is singing "Innocent" from his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. Favorite? Really? Something about everyone having a good heart at the end of the day. He's wearing a white drum major jacket, and I'm a little mad at him for that. It's not his best, but I'm joining Melissa in no longer having the ability to hate David Cook, and it fucking pains me. Randy doesn't think it was his best, either. Paula thinks he's the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous, and he also hated the jacket. Mimi Rodgers does not agree. David looks super-bummed, and I almost feel bad for him.
Carly Smithson is singing, "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because the show is going on. She sounds perfect, of course, because she always sounds perfect. I covet her earrings. Randy thought it was good, then pitchy, then just okay. Paula didn't feel the connection. Simon likes her pants, but he hated the song choice and thought she oversang it and lost control of it, and it ended up being angry. He thinks she's in trouble.
David Archuleta had a hard time picking a song because everything inspires him. He's singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. He's awesome, naturally. I actually really like this song. Randy loved the runs, because nothing gets Randy hotter than runs. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was the best song choice of the night, but he thought it was a bit nasally. Some little girl has a sign for David that says, "Lick Those Lips!" which is just the creepiest thing ever.
Brooke White is singing "You've Got a Friend," the Carole King version, because like everything else, it makes her happy. I'm having a hard time with this, because I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She seems awfully sad singing such an uplifting song, which is odd for Brooke. She looks like she's going to cry. Randy thought it was just okay, but he wasn't mad at her. Paula thinks she's definitive, and loves her. Simon thought it was, "nice," but not original.
Bottom three: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook Going home: Syesha Mercado. I'm giving up on sending Kristy Lee Cook home.
And if you're like me and want to watch this over and over and over, here's Jason Castro's performance:
"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.
Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!
Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?
David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.
Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.
Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!
I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.
Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.
The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.
Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.
David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.
Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?
Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.
Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.
Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?
Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!
Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.
Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.
Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.
Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.
Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.
Well, the cards are stacked against me. This week, I fell for Time Warner’s evil ploy again: I had to take a few phone calls during the prime “American Idol” hour last night, and even though I had my TV on and was watching “Idol” while I chatted away, I also set my DVR to record the show so I would be able to absorb the subtle nuances and general Seacrest douchiness that I knew I would miss while having to focus the majority of my attention elsewhere during the broadcast. And guess what? Hey! You’re right! My NEW DVR box crapped out!
The humor is starting to wear off. I’m just about sick of this whole “let’s give her the DVR that’s going to go tits up in 20 minutes!” joke they seem to be playing on me. I’m this close to going out and purchasing an old school VCR and just taping the fucking show so I don’t miss it.
Here’s what I was able to see: Idol featured the songs of the adorable Dolly Parton and her whittled waist and missile tits last night, and I just can’t help but love that woman. Sure, I grew up on her music as any child of the 70’s did; that has nothing to do with it. She’s just as cute as a bug, (a bug with scary-big knockers) and there can be no denying that. She’s a brilliant songwriter whether you like country music or not (again, I’m a Texan so I’m sort of genetically predisposed to appreciate country music in one form or another. It’s in my DNA.) and just has a knack for a catchy hook that gets stuck in your head for months. I don’t know if I’d call her the most objective of the Idol mentors or not, but she’s just SO CUTE that to me it doesn’t matter.
My recap is as follows, and is probably completely out of order. You’re welcome.
Ramiele Malubay – “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”. I thought, as Simon would say, it was “utterly forgettable”. Ramiele’s forte just isn’t country. She did a decent job, but it seemed sort of forced and unnatural. Beyond that, I personally thought it was pitchy and didn’t really showcase her naturally easy vocal. Randy said he “wasn’t mad” at her, and gave her a 6 out of 10. I thought that was a little generous for this performance. Verdict: Bottom three.
David Cook – “Little Sparrow”. David almost didn’t perform last night due to increasing stress over his brother’s failing condition and apparently had to be taken to the hospital last night post-performance with his own high blood pressure issues. He is reportedly just fine, being treated, and will be performing as long as he is in the competition. (which, depending on who you’re asking, might be until the very end.) I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but damn it, and please understand it pains me to say this, but I might be starting to actually like this guy. GOD I want to wash that out of my mouth… maybe it was his hair. KEEP IT LIKE THAT. The creepiness looked like it was almost washed out of it, and the comb-over? All but gone. THANK YOU, David Cook. I hope the Chester Molester hair is indeed gone forever. Finally a David Cook I might be able to get on board with. Maybe. I’ll think about it. Verdict: Safe.
David Archuleta – “Smoky Mountain Memory”. It was just good. So much better than last week’s debacle. This was the perfect Dolly Parton song to showcase his amazing vocals. Simon loved it, “Absolutely on the money.” I have nothing snarky to say about David this week. Verdict: Safe.
Jason Castro – “Travelin’ Through”. Okay. I’m a little bit biased because I want to have Jason Castro’s love children and take advantage of him in ways that are illegal in several states, but I thought he did a pretty decent job. Possibly the best song choice for his lilting vocals, but I’m not certain there is a single song in the Dolly Parton songbook that would actually make his vocals shine as they could. He did seem comfortable singing “Travelin’ Through” though, even though I’d have to agree with Simon that this genre isn’t particularly the best style for Jason. I’m a bit torn. Not about wanting to ravage him until he's broken into tiny pieces begging for mercy, you understand. I’m clear on that. I’m not entirely clear on whether or not I loved this performance. I’m trying, but this performance might land him in the bottom three. Verdict: Hot.
Brook White – “Jolene”. One of my favorite of Dolly Parton’s songs. I didn’t think it was perfect, but I have to agree with Randy that this sort of genre might be her forte. I’ll also agree with Simon though, in that it wasn’t one of her best performances. But there’s something about Brook White that’s just… forgettable. When discussing the show with anyone, I almost always forget that she’s still in the running. I think if she were competing on “American Semi-Boring Folk Singer” I’d probably vote for her, but I don’t think she’s cut from “Pop Star” cloth. Verdict: No fucking idea.
Carly Smithson – “Here you come again”. My most favorite Dolly Parton song. I was worried a little bit about her song choice at first, but in grand Carly style, she made it her very own and molded each lyric to her own voice. Her smoky higher notes were just perfect, especially for a song with schmaltzy-sweet lyrics like “Here you come again”. I thought it was just… well, perfect. Simon’s biggest complaint was about her wardrobe. I think he’d rather see her bitched-up like Amanda Overmyer, which makes me want to punch him in the neck. Verdict: Safe.
Kristy Lee Cook – “Coat of many colors”. Wow. Kristy singing an actual country song, and nothing about it worked at all. IRONY. She didn’t have to hillbilly-up this song at all: it came that way, all tied up pretty with a big ol' country bow, just waiting for her to hammer it home and she didn’t. It was the weakest performance of the evening from the one person that this genre suits the best. BOO. Paula thought it was her best performance, Simon thought it was “pleasant but forgettable.” Totally. Ryan Seacrest loved the French pedicure, which should answer a lot of questions for anyone who still has any questions about Ryan Seacrest. Verdict: Bottom three, possibly going home.
Syesha Mercado - Did she *really* sing "I will always love you"? I have nothing at all to say, honestly, but "Bottom three".
Michael Johns – “It’s all wrong, but it’s alright”. I thought it started out a little shaky and rough, but by the third verse I was ready to break the glass on my TV and tear his clothes off. He made me think dirty thoughts. His vocals were the best I’ve ever heard so far, and I think the arrangement was perfectly suited for him. The judges all loved it. I loved it. I loved him. Verdict: Rowrrrrrr.
Going Home: If there’s any justice in the world, Kristy Lee Cook is gonie-gone gone.
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