Four more hopefuls bite the dirt

After the last two nights that were unexpectedly busy leaving me no time to blog, I am happy to report that we are once again sans two more men and two women on Idol. Honestly, right now I’d rather be watching “Snapped!” on the Oxygen network. Or shoving frilly hors d'œuvre toothpicks in my eyeballs.

I loved Michael Johns opening the show’s ensemble number, and I desperately wanted to bleach my eyeballs when camera fucker David Cook took the stage in his place. Then cute little David Archuleta chimed in – and I’ll be a sausage biscuit if he didn’t sound like he might be the next Michael McDonald in something like twenty years.

Then for the women, singing Bonnie Tyler’s “It’s a heartache”, Carly Smithson rocked the stage and sounded fantastic. I had high hopes for this version of “heartache”. That is, until one-trick pony Amanda Overmyer started screeching and straining and grunting out her share of lyrics as if she were trying to squeeze off a number two. Every time she opens her mouth, I wonder what the fuck she’s still doing on this show.


First of the men going home: Jason Yeager. Thank goodness, because if it had been Danny Norriega, he’d have fainted like Scarlet O’Hara. Someone needs to teach Danny to school his features more, because every time he’s not singing into a microphone, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler. Getting back to Jason Yeager, his sing out was better than his performance last night, much to his detriment.

I’m starting my prayers; vespers, if you will, that God sees fit to kick Amanda Overmyer to the curb this week. Please God, if you’re listening, make her go suck somewhere else, because bless her heart and Bride of Frankenstein hair disaster, I’m sick to death of having to watch her on Idol.

During the commercial break, I’m not-so-secretly hoping that the smarmy David Cook is the next boy with his neck on the chopping block. I won’t waste my prayers on it though; those are saved for Amanda Overmyer.

The first girlie going home this week: Alexandrea Lushington... which proves to me that there is a) no God in heaven, or b) I was a total asshole in my last life, and this is a big, fat, cosmic, karmic joke on Melissa. How the hell Amanda Overmyer escaped the blade yet again is beyond me, other than the votes were cast by horny 14 year old boys who think she’d put out because she’s a “rocker chick” who rides a hog. Whatever. Enjoy the spotlight while you’ve still got it, Frankenmyer. It’s gonna be a short ride. I predict even the horny 14 year olds get sick of her by next week’s eliminations.

I'll remove this if I have to (Really, Fox. I will! Don't be mad at me.) but this abomination bears reviewing in case you missed it - it really puts into perspective just how craptastic her performance was last night, and how mind bogglingly stupid it is that she's still in the running.

I think the real clencher was the St. Vitus dance she did throughout her performance. It looks less like dancing and more like some sort of horrible palsy.


Second female leaving us this week: some blonde girl who looks like all the other blond girls. It was Alaina Whitaker, who tearfully proclaimed “I can’t sing…” Because I am Melissa, Mistress of the Obvious, I feel compelled to point out “We know, honey.” I realize she was referring to her sing out, but I feel like being a bitch about it. Kudos to Alaina for actually singing herself out while devastated and completely choked up. I always have a little soft spot for people who have to sing while they’re crying. Sure her sing out performance was horrible, but unless you’re Michael Jackson or Dolly Parton, you’re gonna sound like diaper filling smells if you’re singing and crying simultaneously.

I always want to punch Ryan Seacrest right square in the pills during the melodramatic eliminations.

Last cut of the night and the second dude: Robbie Carrico and his plastic Barbie hair wig. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it. I think we’ve seen him in almost every season prior to this one, but in his previous incarnations he’s always been more charismatic and far more vocally talented. Laterz, Robbie. Somewhere there’s a bad Poison cover band looking for someone to fill in for their lead singer while he’s fulfilling his court ordered community service. You’ll do.

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Get in shape, girls! (see also, Awesome Toys from the 80's)

Okay, here goes:

Carly Smithson: “Crazy on You”-- So that’s how you’re gonna play it, Carly? Pipes like that and you’re STILL going to pick a snooze fest of a tune like that looking like you got lost on your way to a wake? Tell you what, it’s looking like it’s a darn good thing someone taught you how to expertly render those delightful little shamrocks in the foam of the Guinness pints you sling when you’re not inking tats with your hubby (and can you teach me how to do that, kthanxbai). At this rate, there might be plenty more in your future.

Sysesha Mercado: Ahhhhhh, I am traumatized she can do such an eerily accurate baby wail on cue! Ahhhh! Ahh! What was the song? Oh never mind, it appears I didn’t miss that much of a performance anyhow—yawn.

Brooke White: “You’re so Vain”--Brooke didn’t slam me quite as hard with the whole Mary Sunshine act this go-around, but I’m still not half as impressed as the judges are with her, particularly Simon. She struggled a lot with those low notes. What gives? Nevertheless, this was the best, least forced performance thus far.

Ramiele Maluby: (sorry, I can never remember the name of this song) Has anyone pointed out that Ramiele is a few snips shy of having the same haircut as Christian from Project Runway? Another barely suppressed yawn here.

Kristy Lee Cook: “You’re No Good” Hmmmm, I suspect there’s a joke lurking somewhere in that song title. Ten dollars says Simon says, “well, Kristy, unfortunately the song title is spot on this week.” Ten Dollars! Anybody? (a minute later) Oh, COME ON, guys—it was blander than bland!! This girl is oatmeal personified.

Amanda Overmyer: “Carry On My Wayward Son” --Hey, guys, so I know that Amanda looks really rough around the edges and you know, totally badass in that way that only shiny, flame embroidered pants and a Cruella DeVil coif can properly convey—but you want to know something that’s gonna make you trip your balls off? She’s actually a NURSE!!!! I KNOW! Go home, Amanda. And word, Simon, it’s like she’s dressing with her unlikely Mattel replica in mind.

Alaina Whitaker: “Hopelessly Devoted to You”—totes pitchy in places, but I rather liked it despite the flaws. And I rather like her, though her OCD tendencies she talked about in her video trouble me—how is girlfriend gonna survive on the Idol tour bus this summer?

Alexandrea Lushington: “ Baby Please Don’t Go”—This song always makes me want to stand and gently sway in the middle of a football field at dawn, prom dress askew. That is all.

Kady Malloy: “Magic Man” --Oh honey—no. This girl is so damn likeable in her video clips, but that song? Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride alllllll over that staff. And are those Everlasting Gobbstoppers glued onto her dress?

Asia’h Epperson: “All By Myself”--Again, not without its rusty spots, but I think Asia’h has a lot more potential than many of the other girls. The song was a bit big for her, yeah, but she injected it with way more fervor than anyone else did tonight.

Predictions for the axe: Amanda Overmyer, please GOD, Amanda Overmyer!

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard

Please Stand By

Jess here. So, after I lost my job I had to send the laptop that actually works back to my former employer. There's a new laptop coming next week, and right now, I'm fighting with the old laptop, which sucks harder than Luke Menard trying to be Freddie Mercury. I have many things to say about the show, but I keep losing my Word documents, so I'll try again in the morning. Wish me luck.

Poll-time again!

In the spirit of "I don't really care so much about the singing at this point; I just really want to know who's packing their crap and going home." while we're still in the stages of thinning out the herd, I thought I'd remind you all who went home last Thursday, since all three days of broadcast were completely unremarkable and ultimately, sleep inducing. True story. Just ask Curly.


Which two boys are going home on Tuesday?

• David Hernandez



• Luke Menard



• Jason Castro



• Danny Norriega



• Chikezie Eze



• David Cook



• Michael Johns



• David Archuleta



• Jason Yeager



• Robbie Carrico

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

And -

Who's the biggest TOOL of the remaining boys?

• Jason Yeager


• Danny Norriega


• Robbie Carrico


• Chikezie Eze


• David Cook


• David Hernandez


• David Archuleta


• Luke Menard

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

more at twiigs.com...

Yes, Jason Castro & Michael Johns are conspicuously missing from this list because a) really, neither one of them are tools, b) it's my damn poll and c) the whole Jason Castro/Michael Johns sandwich thing.

buhhh-bye: the first cut is the deepest.

Best quote of the night: “Back in a big way, Paula Abdul.”

And by “big”, Ryan meant “wrecked”.

Can I just say that the 60’s montage with the 24 was quite possibly filled with the worst stage performances I’ve ever seen? Retards on Parade. That’s what I thought about that. Sure, there were some good vocals in it, and even some really good vocals in it. But it’s like that old adage that a few bad apples make the whole damn barrel completely shitty. You’ve heard that one.

Buh-bye, Garrett Haley. First cut of the season. Breaking up is indeed hard to do. For you. It turned out to be easier for me than I ever expected. It’s too bad he had to sing that farkatke song again. Talk about leaving with a whimper.



I figured out who the feck Amanda Overmyer reminds me of, which would explain why I can’t stand her: Suzi Quatro as Leather Tuscadero on “Happy Days”. She's like Leather's doppleganger. Leather v2.0. Which means I'm gonna have nightmares again.

Laterz, Amy Davis. I don’t even remember what you sang, so I don’t think I’m going to miss you too terribly. I’ll try to pick up the pieces. And as Paula said, “You gotta paint that door and that knob.” What the fuck? Her sing-out made me sort of a sad puppy though; sick and trying not to cry is the worst way to have to sing. I’ve been there. Not on national television being watched by bajillions of viewers, but still, I know that had to suck donkey ones.

Those silly producers and their teasers! Another girl going home after the break. I’m going to take this commercial break as my opportunity to pray to God to make it so that Leather Tuscadero goes home. I really don’t want to have to look forward to a whole season of Idol with her screamy vocals and uncomfortable, constipated facial expression. Or even one more Janis Joplin comparison. It’s wrecking my life and causing me to drink more.

And after the break, I learned that God hates me and Joanne Borgella is going home instead. Cabaret or not, I’d rather listen to Joanne all season than Screamy McSluggish-Bowel.

The last boy going home: Colton Berry and his creepy albino eyelashes. And 4 inch long sideburns.

How embarrassing for the 2 girls going home that the last time they were seen on American Idol, they were wearing the most unflattering outfits like, ever?

I’m going to go drink to the fact that there’s no American Idol on for the next four days.

On a completely unrelated note, forget what I said about wanting to marry Michael Johns. I now have loftier aspirations and have decided that I want to be the Melissa meat in a Michael Johns/Jason Castro sandwich. With absolutely nothing "family show" about it. Meow.

Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Poll Time: Who Will Be Eliminated Tonight?

Four people are getting the boot but good tonight. Who are they? Tell us!

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more at twiigs.com...

Top 24 Recap: The Ladies

More Ryan Seacrest bullshit about the best talent pool ever. I wish he'd just be honest and say it gets worse every year, but that he and Simon are going to flirt with each other even more to make up for it. Also, who keeps doing that to Paula's hair? That person should be fired immediately.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Rescue Me" (Aretha Franklin)
I believe we have this season's Haley Scarnato. Let's see if she stays around long enough to wear a scrunchie for a skirt. Terrible song choice, although she sounded pretty good at the end.

Joanne Borgella: "I Say a Little Prayer" (Dionne Warwick)
Joanne is really pretty. And extremely likeable. That said, I thought the song kind of swallowed her -- I'm not sure if it's her fault or the arrangement, but it didn't work for me. Simon was really harsh on her, I think, but she handled it like a champ. Her parents were super pissed, though. Cowell better watch his back.

Alaina Whitaker: "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase)
Would those one-armed shirts just die already? She did a good job. No snark here. She'll get her 17th birthday present.

Amanda Overmyer: "Baby, Please Don't Go" (Van Morrison)
I hated that. She seemed unsure of herself, she was all over the place, and the band totally drowned out her vocals. She's on the wrong show -- she should sign up for the next season of Rock Star. She won't win, but at least I won't have to listen to her anymore. Why do the judges like her so much? I don't get it.

Amy Davis: "Where the Boys Are" (Connie Francis)
What does a trade show model do? What kind of trade shows? Is it different from being a regular model? I need to know more. She seemed stoned, like she and all of her friends were passing around a joint and then this song came on and she was all, "Shit, man, I love this song" and her friends were all, "Sing it, dude. Sing it." And then she did. And everyone was all, "Cool."

Brooke White: "Happy Together" (The Turtles)
The Alleged Mormon wore an awful lot of makeup. I like Brooke a lot, but I didn't love her singing this song. It sounded whiny at times, and the end bit was downright annoying. She'll have a chance to bring it back next week, I'm sure. Also, I want to try whatever hair product she uses, provided it fits into an unemployed girl's budget.

Alexandrea Lushington: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
I didn't love the falsetto, but then again, I never do. She was good. I dig her.

Kady Malloy: "Groovy Kind of Love" (The Mindbenders)
I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She looks like about four famous actresses mashed together: Dominique Swain, Jessica Biel, ScarJo, and that chick who played Paige on the new Degrassi. And I spent so much time thinking of all that during her performance that I missed it entirely, but it was even boring in the background.

Asia'H Epperson: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin)
I was worried about this, but I actually liked it a lot. She totally made it her own, and I thought it worked really well.

Ramiele Malubay: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield)
I love her voice, and she's adorable. 'Nuff said.

Syesha Mercado: "Tobacco Road" (The Nashville Teens)
I like her when she isn't yelly -- I especially like her lower register. If she can keep that screamy nonsense in check, she could go pretty far this season. I also admire her accessorizing skills, as not many people can rock a loud scarf and busy earrings so consistantly.

Carly Smithson: "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Tony Bennett)
Not to be all xenophobic and whatnot, but should people from other countries be allowed to win AMERICAN Idol? I mean, what's the average American to do when foreigners and D-list celebrities start stealing our reality television spots away from us? Also, if you took that seriously and got offended, you should probably be reading another blog. I was with Simon on this one. I expected something more.

Favorite: Asia'H Epperson

Least favorite: Amanda Overmyer

Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Malloy

Good night y'all. I'll fix all the typos tomorrow. xoxo, jess

More Top 24: Boys

The good news is, I lost my job, which means more time for Midol! Here we go:

David Hernandez
By the time I got to the end of the show, I couldn't even remember it.

Chikezie
Ditto on everything Curly said, plus, nice zoot suit, dude. He looks like he'd sidle up to me in a dimly-lit lounge and say, "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

David Cook
Word on what Curly said about Alice in Chains. Blasphemy! Despite the fact that he looks like that accountant in your office who plays in a cover band on the weekends, I actually thought his performance was interesting. I would say I loved it, but I didn't hate it. And trust me, I wanted to.

Jason Yeager
Now this I actually wanted to like. He seems like such a nice fella, and he fathered a kid when he was like 12, and he just seems so shiny and happy. But the whole thing was very high school talent show. I do hope he makes it through another week and improves, though.

Two asides. This is the gayest season of Idol, ever, what with all of the confirmed gays, probably gays and maybe gays. I love it. Also, Paula was wasted, what will all the babbling and eye closing and head shaking. Yay!

Robbie Carrico
I dug it. I can't help it. But he needs to stop copping Bret Michaels' look, for real. I agree with Simon about not trusting the "authenticity," though. And his being all, "I'm a rocker because I wear a bandana!" thing didn't help, either.

David Archuleta
Look, I think the kid is adorable and he has a great voice, but I just did not get that at all. I pretty much hated it. Also, I am disturbed by Curly's hatred of Bindi Irwin.

The next batch isn't worth paragraph form. Danny Noriega needs to pick a better song next time. Luke Menard is very cute, but boring. I loved Colton Berry's Ellen Degeneres joke, but he'd be much better on Broadway.

Garrett Haley
He looks like this musical theater dude I dated for awhile. I want to shave his upper lip real bad. His song wasn't that great, but he has two things going for him: a great attitude and the pre-teen girl vote.

Jason Castro
I love him. LOVE him. He is gorgeous and talented and humble and I want to spend hours playing with his dreads and staring into his eyes on a blanket in the middle of a field, where I eat berries we just picked in our bare feet while he plays guitar and sings a song he wrote for me the night before. Not that I've given this any thought or anything. Seriously, though. I couldn't stop smiling while he was performing. He's awesome.

Michael Johns
I wish he'd done a song we hadn't already seen him perform during Hollywood Week. He's starting to feel a little one-note for me. And his scarf hurts me.

My favorite so far: Jason Castro

Least favorite: Chikezie

Going home: Luke Menard and David Hernandez

Boys - FOUR of the Top 24, and that's all.

So this is going to be relatively short & sweet, and I’m bitchy as hell about it. Somehow, and I think it had to do with the holiday on Monday, I completely spaced that last night was American Idol night and missed the first 20 minutes of the show. “It’s no real loss, Scarlet.” I told myself. Yes, I call myself Scarlet. Let’s move on. I thought it would be no real loss because I could still an hour and 40 minutes of Idol. *Or so I thought.

So I started my night with the skin-crawlingly nauseating vocal stylings of David Cook. Not my favorite way to start any evening.

David Cook – Tag! Was this our first instance of camera fuckery? I believe it might have been! David gives me the monkey nerves with that freakish, creepy, flat-ironed, thin hair that looks like a bad comb-over to cover up his 25 year old male pattern baldness. I almost can’t get past the hair. Or the camera fucking. I didn’t love his rendition of The Turtles’ “Happy Together” as much as the judges did; I didn’t love it at all, actually. I thought it was screamy and yelly and really, really pitchy. He was trying to reach specific notes while shrieking but was unable to attain said specific notes, so settled for lesser, crappier notes in the completely wrong key. And the camera fucking? Dios mio! It was enough to induce a violent attack of OCD, causing me to check and recheck the locks on all of my doors. Shades of "If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her." Seriously.

Jason Yeager – I didn’t realize this guy was from Grand Prairie, which borders my hometown of Irving, Texas. Or that he has one of those weird Sixth Sense locks of gray hair, which is proof positive that he sees dead people. I’m all about the dudes’ hair tonight and how stabby it makes me. I thought his performance of “Moon River” was completely and utterly snooze worthy. Monumental bore and maddeningly Andy Williams-esque. He sang it like a member of a frat boy’s chorus, for the love of God. Should have been wearing a letter sweater. Simon pegged it with “cruise ship”. Simon – call me.

Robbie Carrico – I haven’t been very impressed by Robbie Carrico so far, and his performance tonight definitely was not the performance that changed my mind. He reminds me of any drunk guy in any karaoke bar in any city. You know the guy: he gets tanked on Old Milwaukee and sings “Freebird” because he’s just drunk enough to believe he should be in a band. I don’t like the tone of his voice and he doesn’t seem to have much control over it. Sang “One” by Three Dog Night. Randy liked it, which cements my theory that Randy is indeed retarded and in need of supervision. Clearly he can’t make responsible decisions left on his own.

David Archuleta – OMGWTFBBQ? What happened, sweet little David? He definitely needs to sing in a higher register than his version of “Shop Around” required. The judges were sloppin’ sugar all over him up in that bitch though; Simon labeled it as the best performance of the evening so far. Was I the only one who heard him going through puberty? You could actually hear his sack drop. He’s cute as a bug though, so I can’t help but like him, and he seems so genuinely overwhelmed and excited by the whole thing. It’s sort of sweet. God, what’s wrong with me?!

And that’s when the picture went out. I could hear Danny Noriega trying unsuccessfully to sound butch while murdering "Jailhouse Rock", but I couldn’t see him. Nor could I see Paula when she prattled on and on about colors and bunnies. The drugs must have kicked in. Maybe it's best that all of my senses weren't lambasted by Paula...

*And that’s when the CABLE went out and since I’m “bundled”, the internets went as well. Bye-bye. Later. See ya, maybe. Which is awesome. My cable company is the devil. The cable and internet came back on sometime over night I guess, because it was back on at 6am this morning when it woke me up. Thanks, huge billion dollar cable corporation for not only wrecking my viewing pleasure, but for waking me up too, fuckers.

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fire" by The Doors

Things got a little screamy as the song progressed but it didn't blow, I guess. Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?

Predictions: Buh-bye, Luke Menard and Jason Yeager.

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.

Top 24: Faces with the Similar-Sounding Names

Are you like me? You can't tell the Kadys from the Kristys up in this Top 24 bitch? Or maybe you're all on the ball and it's just my early onset senility that's preventing me from remembering shit. Whatever.

I'm a visual thinker so to aid my ailing memory in addition to showing off my Photoshop trickery, I've constructed a tres Brady Bunch-like grid of the Top 24. As each person is given the boot, I'll update the grid accordingly. I won't do any of that grayed- or X'd-out bullshit. That's played. Perhaps as each contestant is given his/her walking papers, I will deface their respective photos. Blackened teeth, devil horns, goatees, hairy moles, the works. Sound good? No? Have a better idea, asshole? If so, pony up. I'm all ears.

Here's the ragtag group sans graffiti and crushed dreams. I know it's small and hard to read but the width of this column is rather unforgiving. Just click on it, Whiny Whinerson, and your problems will be solved.

Click to enlarge

When I get around to it, this bad boy will be easily accessible from the sidebar. Enjoy!

Irresponsible Rumormongering

We never said we were above reckless gossip and innuendo. Tipster JC says:

David Hernandez does have an amazing voice but will indeed be overshadowed by the "bigger personalities" and more likeable contestants. Also, he (up until going on Idol) was a gay male stripper at various sleazy gay bars in Phoenix, AZ. Wonder what America would think of his hidden past? He also has had a steady boyfriend named Shane for years now. However, David's MySpace profile now has him as being STRAIGHT. What a sellout.

True? Who knows. We can't resist a scandal over here at Midol, so of course we're running with it. If it is true, you're welcome, TMZ.

Season Seven's Top 24 Revealed

Praise Jesus, we're finally done with all that audition and Hollywood Week bullshit! And now, onto the next phase -- The Top 24 aka The Part of the Season I Kinda Hate Most Because It's Spread out over 3 Nights and Requires Me to Take Notes on 24 Different People, a Task Which Doesn't Sit Well with My Lazy Ass.

Here's who Paula, Randy and Simon deemed worthy...

Men:
David Archuleta, 17, Murray, Utah
Colton Berry, 18, Staunton, Va.
Robbie Carrico, 26, Melbourne, Fla.
Jason Castro, 20, Rockwall, Texas
David Cook, 25, Tulsa, Okla.
Chikezie Eze, 22, Inglewood, Calif.
Garrett Haley, 17, Elida, Ohio
David Hernandez, 24, Glendale, Ariz.
Luke Menard, 29, Crawfordsville, Ind.
Danny Noriega, 18, Azusa, Calif.
Jason Yeager, 28, Branson, Mo.
Michael Johns, 29, Los Angeles by way of Australia

Women:
Amanda Overmyer, 23, Mulberry, Ind.
Brooke White, 24, Van Nuys, Calif.
Joanne Borgella, 25, Hoboken, N.J.
Kristy Lee Cook, 24, Selma, Ore.
Amy Davis, 25, Cedar Lake, Ind.
Asia'h Epperson, 19, Joplin, Mo.
Alexandrea Lushington, 17, Douglasville, Ga.
Kady Malloy, 18, Houston
Ramiele Malubay, 20, Miramar, Fla.
Syesha Mercado, 21, Miami
Alaina Whitaker, 16, Tulsa, Okla.
Carly Smithson, San Diego by way of Dublin, Ireland

I think I speak on behalf of all the contributors here at American Midol when I point my finger at crybaby Josiah Leming and do a haughty "HA! HA!" followed up with a crude cupping gesture on my non-existent junk to signify that Josiah can and should suck my dick.

Pride

I just checked the site stats and someone got here by telling The Google this:

"i think paula abdul might be a retard"

Us too, anonymous Googler. Us, too.

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Recap: Audition Recap

Whoa, I just blew my mind.

Okay, I totally fell asleep while watching the show last night so this will be spotty.

I remember a puppy. And I remember wanting to eat it, it was so cute. I remember the blond chick who owned it. I also remember wanting to kick the Douchebag Doublemint Twins accompanying her in the balls. If the owner of the puppy had balls, I would have kicked her in them. Sadly, anatomy prevents me from properly dishing out poetic justice. Well, I suppose I could kick her in the vagina. Yes, it's official: I want to kick her in the cooch. And then steal her puppy.

Then there was the broad with the self-proclaimed God-given talent. And here I thought the Voice of God was Walter Kronkite. I stand corrected.

Breaking News: Church attendance declines; atheism on the rise. Former parishioners cite "yelly voice of God" as reason for their loss of faith.

Um, what else... I also vaguely recall a semi-hot chick who sang "Blue Bayou" and had a sob story about her single mom who had a lot kids. Call me cynical but it sounds like she just took the story of "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" and updated it to sway the producers. Next year, I'm going to audition for "Idol" and I'm going to tell them that I'm homeless because a wolf blew my house down. Hopefully I'll make it to Hollywood too!

I seriously don't remember the rest because I was sawing logs quite vigorously by this point. I'm so done with auditions. However, I'm so ready for the dashed hopes and crushed dreams of Hollywood Week. In fact, I'm off to sharpen my knives right now. Adieu.

Melissa’s Idol Recap – Not-so-Hot-lanta.

Opening the show with Charlie Daniels’ “Devil went down to Georgia” just set the tone for the rest of the hour. It made me want to go on a stabbing rampage. So that’s where I am right now.

Joshua Jones – A man with a passion for glass, and a raging case of the crazy eyes. I believe it might be a physical impossibility for him to sing without creepy, murderous, zombie theatrics. And whaddya know? Crazy Eyes is going to Hollywood. Are you kidding? My mood has not improved yet, and now I’m gonna have nightmares about this guy and his psychotic eyeballs.

Early Side note: I’ve heard “The ATL” about 4 times so far from Ryan Seacrest and “Hot-lanta” about 5 times from Seacrest and random contestants. Come on, fuckers. We get it.

Asia’h Epperson – OMGDIDSHESAYHERDADJUSTDIED? Wow. That’s a backstory. Sang “How do I live” and son of a bitch, I couldn’t get through it without breaking down. I can’t BELIEVE she got through as much of it as she did without puddling up earlier. HOLY CRAP. You’re going to Hollywood, baby girl. Related story: Sure, it was sad and sweet, but what the hell happened to Paula? Seriously Paula, get a grip. I mean really – sad is sad, and I did get a little teary, but for the love of crap, I didn’t have to turn my back and leave the room. Lay off the sauce, Paula. Just once.

Brooke Helvie - Miss South Florida Fair. Said she has kissed a pig. Who hasn’t, honey? Tell your daddy to call me back, damn it. Best quote of the night so far: “I just said doo-doo on American Idol.” Slammed her tittles against Simon for a post-congratulatory hug when she found out she’s going to Hollywood. But not before she shrieked like a harpy and scared all of the judges. And me. I think a little pee came out. “I didn’t want her to sing well.”, Simon confessed, after saying she was the most annoying person he’s ever met. I’m with you, Cowell. And now I gotta change my panties. Again. Damn it.

Montage: a bunch of idiots singing “Glamorous”. Is it wrong that I laughed when the last contestant in the montage sang “Grammerous”? Because I did. And hard.

Eva Miller – Fell on her ass while dancing around like a patient out on a day pass from the institution. And wanted to be taken seriously. And is in love with Simon Cowell. LOVED the instant replay, with slo-mo falling-on-ass-and-rolling-backwards-like-a-fat-girl action. Still loves Simon even after he lambasted her. What a big, stupid trooper. Gets points for one of the most awesome falls ever.

Alexandrea Lushington – 16 years old, going to Hollywood after her “My funny Valentine” audition. The only thing snarky I have to say about her is that she was dressed a little bit like Patty Hearst in the surveillance tapes when she got brainwashed and helped hold up that bank.

Jared Wiley – Sang in a little girl falsetto. With an awesome lisp. I kept expecting him to break out singing “Three little maids from school are we!”

Nathan Hite – Came into the room armed with an attitude and a few not-so-well chosen retorts to what he predicted Simon would say. Actually, just the one retort that he repeated 3 times. Then went into some sort of weird, asshole standup routine. Blew Simon a kiss on the way out. I just wanted to kick him in the neck.

Amanda Overmyer – of COURSE she sang Janis Joplin. Who didn’t have that pegged as soon as she opened up her yap to speak? I was giddy as a schoolgirl that Simon stopped her from singing Janis’ “Mean Woman Blues” because it was like watching – as Simon says so eloquently – karaoke. Really bad karaoke. Janis is my girl, y’all. I take it as a personal affront anytime someone other than Melissa Etheridge sings a Janis Joplin song. Stop it. You’re just gonna wreck it and force me to hurl snarky remarks at you and call you names like “fucktard” and “dumbass”.

Josiah Leming – Living in his car for the last year. He said he “loves” living in his car, because he’s a dumbass who essentially dropped out of school and ran away from his home – warm bed, roof and food included. Dumb fuck. What the FUCK is with all the sad stories today? I can only imagine that Paula is going to have another complete breakdown when she hears about this. His singing? Weird. The reaching out with the arm and grabbiness of the chest and bouncing up and down was distracting. And the English accent while he was singing? What? You’re from TENNESSEE. What the hell was it with the 3 judges? They loved him way too much. So naturally, I hate them.

Atlanta had better auditions than the last couple of locations, in my opinion. Tomorrow night is “Hollywood or Bust”, and what I imagine to be a lame one hour montage of the worst of the worst so far this season. All I care about is that it’s the last night of this audition shit, then on to Hollywood Week. Thank God. I’m this close to going knife shopping.

Audition Recap: Atlanta

Dear Ryan Seacrest: Please don't wear graphic tees with blazers anymore. It hurts me. Thanks in advance. Love, Jess.

Now, onto my real-time notes with no time stamps or context. In other words, you had to be there.

Josh Jones: Cute. Kind of weird. Tells bad jokes. Didn't love the voice. I do hope he makes it to the Top 24, though. Wanna know why? Because I want him to be this season's camera fucker and FUCK ALL OF US WITH HIS DEMON EYES! He can skull fuck the audience at home, as opposed to Justin Guarini, who made sweet love to us, tenderly, with his soulful eyes. And yes, I do blame Justin Guarini for the fact that we have numerous camera fuckers each season. I do think Ace Young was the worst offender, though. The scar. Dear God, the scar.

(Side note: I made the most kickass eggplant and chicken casserole for dinner, which I'm eating right now. I'm pretty proud of myself, as it was all improv. Also, Go Obama!)

J.P. Tjelmeland: Sweetie, you don't have star quality. Stop auditioning. Seriously. Also, what is your nationality with that last name (genuinely curious), and why are you dressed like me circa 1993 when I shopped exclusively at PacSun, hung out with skater boys, and listed "Scribbling Jane's Addiction lyrics into the margins of my notebooks" as my favorite pastime?

Why are we seeing people from all of the other audition cities while illustrating how unable to dispel criticism Paula Abdul is? Is it just so we can see just how many items of clothing she has in her closet in animal print?

Asia'h Epperson: Sad story. Not to be catty (because really, when would I ever do that?), but why did Paula compliment her on her outfit? I mean, she wasn't wearing a stripper dress or a statue of liberty costume, but really, she had some decent jeans and a shapeless top on. The hell? Simon liked her smile, and I agree. I also think Paula is drunk. "That's where passion comes from." What? Where? I won't give Paula shit for crying, though. I admit, I got misty. Plus, I cry a lot when I'm hammered, too.

Oh, shut up. None of you bitches are as sweet as a Georgia peach.

Brooke Helvie: She is so completely terrible in every way that she's crossed over into awesome. I get the feeling that the judges didn't actually want to put her through, but the producers dictated it. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Simon: "Possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life." Annoyingly awesome!

Ryan, why are you dressed like a 10-year old boy going golfing with his dad for the first time?

Eva Miller: Has anyone else fallen down during their audition? That ruled. So did her awful audition. I call bullshit on a lot of people, but I have to disagree with Simon here. She's for real. I'm sure of it. White leggings and all. White leggings, really? I so wanted her to grab Simon's package during the hug.

(Side note: People, stop saying you've been singing since you were a child. All children, save for the mute, sing. It doesn't prepare you for a career in music.)

Ryan is adorable with the old ladies.

Alexandrea Lushinton: It was good, but um, did no one notice that OH MY GOD SHE IS TOTALLY A 16-YEAR OLD MELINDA DOOLITTLE AND SHE EVEN SANG A MELINDA DOOLITTLE SONG? Not to state the obvious or anything.

The bad: Michael Gregory (who I found oddly endearing), Chris Lars (raped and pillaged right after the audition) and Jared Wiley (What?!)

Nathan Hite: I so would have made out with this guy in high school. I'm not sure I would have admitted it afterward, though. Dude, stop talking and go. Seriously. I know you're 16 and obnoxious, but go home. Really. The parents seemed as uncomfortable with the "spooning" comment as I did.

Amanda Overmyer: I have fond Janis Joplin memories. I hear Janis and I think about my mom and I doing dishes when I was a kid, dancing around the kitchen and singing along to Pearl. We do a sweet "Me and Bobby McGee," with harmony and everything. This show is KILLING MY MEMORIES. Paula proclaimed her "this season's Chris Daughtry" as if that's a good thing. "Hey, we have this season's generic rocker with no unique talent and charisma. Go us!"

Homeless Kid: Okay, he has a name, and it's Josiah Leming, which sounds like the next cult messiah's name. I do not feel bad for this kid. He had a home, had a family, and he dropped out of school and decided to live in his car. Unless this kid was beaten or molested at home, he's an idiot. Oh, and Madonna called. She wants her fake British accent back. And of course Paula likes him. She's an idiot, too. Really, we're going to have to see this kid again? UGH.

There you have it, folks. I guess we have some bullshit clip show tomorrow, and then next week, finally, thankfully, we're on to Hollywood week. I'm counting the minutes.

Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

Forever Our Girl

So did y'all see Paula Abdul perform at the Suberbowl pre-game show yesterday? If not, have I got a treat for you. It's like 1989 up in here! And Randy Jackson is playing guitar! Hey, did you know Randy was in Journey? I don't think he's ever mentioned that!

Britney, if Paula can pull this off, you can, too. Remember that.



And here's the always adorable Jordin Sparks rocking the national anthem pretty hard:

Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!