Four more hopefuls bite the dirt

After the last two nights that were unexpectedly busy leaving me no time to blog, I am happy to report that we are once again sans two more men and two women on Idol. Honestly, right now I’d rather be watching “Snapped!” on the Oxygen network. Or shoving frilly hors d'œuvre toothpicks in my eyeballs.

I loved Michael Johns opening the show’s ensemble number, and I desperately wanted to bleach my eyeballs when camera fucker David Cook took the stage in his place. Then cute little David Archuleta chimed in – and I’ll be a sausage biscuit if he didn’t sound like he might be the next Michael McDonald in something like twenty years.

Then for the women, singing Bonnie Tyler’s “It’s a heartache”, Carly Smithson rocked the stage and sounded fantastic. I had high hopes for this version of “heartache”. That is, until one-trick pony Amanda Overmyer started screeching and straining and grunting out her share of lyrics as if she were trying to squeeze off a number two. Every time she opens her mouth, I wonder what the fuck she’s still doing on this show.


First of the men going home: Jason Yeager. Thank goodness, because if it had been Danny Norriega, he’d have fainted like Scarlet O’Hara. Someone needs to teach Danny to school his features more, because every time he’s not singing into a microphone, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler. Getting back to Jason Yeager, his sing out was better than his performance last night, much to his detriment.

I’m starting my prayers; vespers, if you will, that God sees fit to kick Amanda Overmyer to the curb this week. Please God, if you’re listening, make her go suck somewhere else, because bless her heart and Bride of Frankenstein hair disaster, I’m sick to death of having to watch her on Idol.

During the commercial break, I’m not-so-secretly hoping that the smarmy David Cook is the next boy with his neck on the chopping block. I won’t waste my prayers on it though; those are saved for Amanda Overmyer.

The first girlie going home this week: Alexandrea Lushington... which proves to me that there is a) no God in heaven, or b) I was a total asshole in my last life, and this is a big, fat, cosmic, karmic joke on Melissa. How the hell Amanda Overmyer escaped the blade yet again is beyond me, other than the votes were cast by horny 14 year old boys who think she’d put out because she’s a “rocker chick” who rides a hog. Whatever. Enjoy the spotlight while you’ve still got it, Frankenmyer. It’s gonna be a short ride. I predict even the horny 14 year olds get sick of her by next week’s eliminations.

I'll remove this if I have to (Really, Fox. I will! Don't be mad at me.) but this abomination bears reviewing in case you missed it - it really puts into perspective just how craptastic her performance was last night, and how mind bogglingly stupid it is that she's still in the running.

I think the real clencher was the St. Vitus dance she did throughout her performance. It looks less like dancing and more like some sort of horrible palsy.


Second female leaving us this week: some blonde girl who looks like all the other blond girls. It was Alaina Whitaker, who tearfully proclaimed “I can’t sing…” Because I am Melissa, Mistress of the Obvious, I feel compelled to point out “We know, honey.” I realize she was referring to her sing out, but I feel like being a bitch about it. Kudos to Alaina for actually singing herself out while devastated and completely choked up. I always have a little soft spot for people who have to sing while they’re crying. Sure her sing out performance was horrible, but unless you’re Michael Jackson or Dolly Parton, you’re gonna sound like diaper filling smells if you’re singing and crying simultaneously.

I always want to punch Ryan Seacrest right square in the pills during the melodramatic eliminations.

Last cut of the night and the second dude: Robbie Carrico and his plastic Barbie hair wig. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it. I think we’ve seen him in almost every season prior to this one, but in his previous incarnations he’s always been more charismatic and far more vocally talented. Laterz, Robbie. Somewhere there’s a bad Poison cover band looking for someone to fill in for their lead singer while he’s fulfilling his court ordered community service. You’ll do.

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Get in shape, girls! (see also, Awesome Toys from the 80's)

Okay, here goes:

Carly Smithson: “Crazy on You”-- So that’s how you’re gonna play it, Carly? Pipes like that and you’re STILL going to pick a snooze fest of a tune like that looking like you got lost on your way to a wake? Tell you what, it’s looking like it’s a darn good thing someone taught you how to expertly render those delightful little shamrocks in the foam of the Guinness pints you sling when you’re not inking tats with your hubby (and can you teach me how to do that, kthanxbai). At this rate, there might be plenty more in your future.

Sysesha Mercado: Ahhhhhh, I am traumatized she can do such an eerily accurate baby wail on cue! Ahhhh! Ahh! What was the song? Oh never mind, it appears I didn’t miss that much of a performance anyhow—yawn.

Brooke White: “You’re so Vain”--Brooke didn’t slam me quite as hard with the whole Mary Sunshine act this go-around, but I’m still not half as impressed as the judges are with her, particularly Simon. She struggled a lot with those low notes. What gives? Nevertheless, this was the best, least forced performance thus far.

Ramiele Maluby: (sorry, I can never remember the name of this song) Has anyone pointed out that Ramiele is a few snips shy of having the same haircut as Christian from Project Runway? Another barely suppressed yawn here.

Kristy Lee Cook: “You’re No Good” Hmmmm, I suspect there’s a joke lurking somewhere in that song title. Ten dollars says Simon says, “well, Kristy, unfortunately the song title is spot on this week.” Ten Dollars! Anybody? (a minute later) Oh, COME ON, guys—it was blander than bland!! This girl is oatmeal personified.

Amanda Overmyer: “Carry On My Wayward Son” --Hey, guys, so I know that Amanda looks really rough around the edges and you know, totally badass in that way that only shiny, flame embroidered pants and a Cruella DeVil coif can properly convey—but you want to know something that’s gonna make you trip your balls off? She’s actually a NURSE!!!! I KNOW! Go home, Amanda. And word, Simon, it’s like she’s dressing with her unlikely Mattel replica in mind.

Alaina Whitaker: “Hopelessly Devoted to You”—totes pitchy in places, but I rather liked it despite the flaws. And I rather like her, though her OCD tendencies she talked about in her video trouble me—how is girlfriend gonna survive on the Idol tour bus this summer?

Alexandrea Lushington: “ Baby Please Don’t Go”—This song always makes me want to stand and gently sway in the middle of a football field at dawn, prom dress askew. That is all.

Kady Malloy: “Magic Man” --Oh honey—no. This girl is so damn likeable in her video clips, but that song? Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride alllllll over that staff. And are those Everlasting Gobbstoppers glued onto her dress?

Asia’h Epperson: “All By Myself”--Again, not without its rusty spots, but I think Asia’h has a lot more potential than many of the other girls. The song was a bit big for her, yeah, but she injected it with way more fervor than anyone else did tonight.

Predictions for the axe: Amanda Overmyer, please GOD, Amanda Overmyer!

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard

Please Stand By

Jess here. So, after I lost my job I had to send the laptop that actually works back to my former employer. There's a new laptop coming next week, and right now, I'm fighting with the old laptop, which sucks harder than Luke Menard trying to be Freddie Mercury. I have many things to say about the show, but I keep losing my Word documents, so I'll try again in the morning. Wish me luck.

Poll-time again!

In the spirit of "I don't really care so much about the singing at this point; I just really want to know who's packing their crap and going home." while we're still in the stages of thinning out the herd, I thought I'd remind you all who went home last Thursday, since all three days of broadcast were completely unremarkable and ultimately, sleep inducing. True story. Just ask Curly.


Which two boys are going home on Tuesday?

• David Hernandez



• Luke Menard



• Jason Castro



• Danny Norriega



• Chikezie Eze



• David Cook



• Michael Johns



• David Archuleta



• Jason Yeager



• Robbie Carrico

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

And -

Who's the biggest TOOL of the remaining boys?

• Jason Yeager


• Danny Norriega


• Robbie Carrico


• Chikezie Eze


• David Cook


• David Hernandez


• David Archuleta


• Luke Menard

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

more at twiigs.com...

Yes, Jason Castro & Michael Johns are conspicuously missing from this list because a) really, neither one of them are tools, b) it's my damn poll and c) the whole Jason Castro/Michael Johns sandwich thing.

buhhh-bye: the first cut is the deepest.

Best quote of the night: “Back in a big way, Paula Abdul.”

And by “big”, Ryan meant “wrecked”.

Can I just say that the 60’s montage with the 24 was quite possibly filled with the worst stage performances I’ve ever seen? Retards on Parade. That’s what I thought about that. Sure, there were some good vocals in it, and even some really good vocals in it. But it’s like that old adage that a few bad apples make the whole damn barrel completely shitty. You’ve heard that one.

Buh-bye, Garrett Haley. First cut of the season. Breaking up is indeed hard to do. For you. It turned out to be easier for me than I ever expected. It’s too bad he had to sing that farkatke song again. Talk about leaving with a whimper.



I figured out who the feck Amanda Overmyer reminds me of, which would explain why I can’t stand her: Suzi Quatro as Leather Tuscadero on “Happy Days”. She's like Leather's doppleganger. Leather v2.0. Which means I'm gonna have nightmares again.

Laterz, Amy Davis. I don’t even remember what you sang, so I don’t think I’m going to miss you too terribly. I’ll try to pick up the pieces. And as Paula said, “You gotta paint that door and that knob.” What the fuck? Her sing-out made me sort of a sad puppy though; sick and trying not to cry is the worst way to have to sing. I’ve been there. Not on national television being watched by bajillions of viewers, but still, I know that had to suck donkey ones.

Those silly producers and their teasers! Another girl going home after the break. I’m going to take this commercial break as my opportunity to pray to God to make it so that Leather Tuscadero goes home. I really don’t want to have to look forward to a whole season of Idol with her screamy vocals and uncomfortable, constipated facial expression. Or even one more Janis Joplin comparison. It’s wrecking my life and causing me to drink more.

And after the break, I learned that God hates me and Joanne Borgella is going home instead. Cabaret or not, I’d rather listen to Joanne all season than Screamy McSluggish-Bowel.

The last boy going home: Colton Berry and his creepy albino eyelashes. And 4 inch long sideburns.

How embarrassing for the 2 girls going home that the last time they were seen on American Idol, they were wearing the most unflattering outfits like, ever?

I’m going to go drink to the fact that there’s no American Idol on for the next four days.

On a completely unrelated note, forget what I said about wanting to marry Michael Johns. I now have loftier aspirations and have decided that I want to be the Melissa meat in a Michael Johns/Jason Castro sandwich. With absolutely nothing "family show" about it. Meow.

Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Poll Time: Who Will Be Eliminated Tonight?

Four people are getting the boot but good tonight. Who are they? Tell us!

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more at twiigs.com...

Top 24 Recap: The Ladies

More Ryan Seacrest bullshit about the best talent pool ever. I wish he'd just be honest and say it gets worse every year, but that he and Simon are going to flirt with each other even more to make up for it. Also, who keeps doing that to Paula's hair? That person should be fired immediately.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Rescue Me" (Aretha Franklin)
I believe we have this season's Haley Scarnato. Let's see if she stays around long enough to wear a scrunchie for a skirt. Terrible song choice, although she sounded pretty good at the end.

Joanne Borgella: "I Say a Little Prayer" (Dionne Warwick)
Joanne is really pretty. And extremely likeable. That said, I thought the song kind of swallowed her -- I'm not sure if it's her fault or the arrangement, but it didn't work for me. Simon was really harsh on her, I think, but she handled it like a champ. Her parents were super pissed, though. Cowell better watch his back.

Alaina Whitaker: "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase)
Would those one-armed shirts just die already? She did a good job. No snark here. She'll get her 17th birthday present.

Amanda Overmyer: "Baby, Please Don't Go" (Van Morrison)
I hated that. She seemed unsure of herself, she was all over the place, and the band totally drowned out her vocals. She's on the wrong show -- she should sign up for the next season of Rock Star. She won't win, but at least I won't have to listen to her anymore. Why do the judges like her so much? I don't get it.

Amy Davis: "Where the Boys Are" (Connie Francis)
What does a trade show model do? What kind of trade shows? Is it different from being a regular model? I need to know more. She seemed stoned, like she and all of her friends were passing around a joint and then this song came on and she was all, "Shit, man, I love this song" and her friends were all, "Sing it, dude. Sing it." And then she did. And everyone was all, "Cool."

Brooke White: "Happy Together" (The Turtles)
The Alleged Mormon wore an awful lot of makeup. I like Brooke a lot, but I didn't love her singing this song. It sounded whiny at times, and the end bit was downright annoying. She'll have a chance to bring it back next week, I'm sure. Also, I want to try whatever hair product she uses, provided it fits into an unemployed girl's budget.

Alexandrea Lushington: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
I didn't love the falsetto, but then again, I never do. She was good. I dig her.

Kady Malloy: "Groovy Kind of Love" (The Mindbenders)
I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She looks like about four famous actresses mashed together: Dominique Swain, Jessica Biel, ScarJo, and that chick who played Paige on the new Degrassi. And I spent so much time thinking of all that during her performance that I missed it entirely, but it was even boring in the background.

Asia'H Epperson: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin)
I was worried about this, but I actually liked it a lot. She totally made it her own, and I thought it worked really well.

Ramiele Malubay: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield)
I love her voice, and she's adorable. 'Nuff said.

Syesha Mercado: "Tobacco Road" (The Nashville Teens)
I like her when she isn't yelly -- I especially like her lower register. If she can keep that screamy nonsense in check, she could go pretty far this season. I also admire her accessorizing skills, as not many people can rock a loud scarf and busy earrings so consistantly.

Carly Smithson: "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Tony Bennett)
Not to be all xenophobic and whatnot, but should people from other countries be allowed to win AMERICAN Idol? I mean, what's the average American to do when foreigners and D-list celebrities start stealing our reality television spots away from us? Also, if you took that seriously and got offended, you should probably be reading another blog. I was with Simon on this one. I expected something more.

Favorite: Asia'H Epperson

Least favorite: Amanda Overmyer

Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Malloy

Good night y'all. I'll fix all the typos tomorrow. xoxo, jess

More Top 24: Boys

The good news is, I lost my job, which means more time for Midol! Here we go:

David Hernandez
By the time I got to the end of the show, I couldn't even remember it.

Chikezie
Ditto on everything Curly said, plus, nice zoot suit, dude. He looks like he'd sidle up to me in a dimly-lit lounge and say, "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

David Cook
Word on what Curly said about Alice in Chains. Blasphemy! Despite the fact that he looks like that accountant in your office who plays in a cover band on the weekends, I actually thought his performance was interesting. I would say I loved it, but I didn't hate it. And trust me, I wanted to.

Jason Yeager
Now this I actually wanted to like. He seems like such a nice fella, and he fathered a kid when he was like 12, and he just seems so shiny and happy. But the whole thing was very high school talent show. I do hope he makes it through another week and improves, though.

Two asides. This is the gayest season of Idol, ever, what with all of the confirmed gays, probably gays and maybe gays. I love it. Also, Paula was wasted, what will all the babbling and eye closing and head shaking. Yay!

Robbie Carrico
I dug it. I can't help it. But he needs to stop copping Bret Michaels' look, for real. I agree with Simon about not trusting the "authenticity," though. And his being all, "I'm a rocker because I wear a bandana!" thing didn't help, either.

David Archuleta
Look, I think the kid is adorable and he has a great voice, but I just did not get that at all. I pretty much hated it. Also, I am disturbed by Curly's hatred of Bindi Irwin.

The next batch isn't worth paragraph form. Danny Noriega needs to pick a better song next time. Luke Menard is very cute, but boring. I loved Colton Berry's Ellen Degeneres joke, but he'd be much better on Broadway.

Garrett Haley
He looks like this musical theater dude I dated for awhile. I want to shave his upper lip real bad. His song wasn't that great, but he has two things going for him: a great attitude and the pre-teen girl vote.

Jason Castro
I love him. LOVE him. He is gorgeous and talented and humble and I want to spend hours playing with his dreads and staring into his eyes on a blanket in the middle of a field, where I eat berries we just picked in our bare feet while he plays guitar and sings a song he wrote for me the night before. Not that I've given this any thought or anything. Seriously, though. I couldn't stop smiling while he was performing. He's awesome.

Michael Johns
I wish he'd done a song we hadn't already seen him perform during Hollywood Week. He's starting to feel a little one-note for me. And his scarf hurts me.

My favorite so far: Jason Castro

Least favorite: Chikezie

Going home: Luke Menard and David Hernandez

Boys - FOUR of the Top 24, and that's all.

So this is going to be relatively short & sweet, and I’m bitchy as hell about it. Somehow, and I think it had to do with the holiday on Monday, I completely spaced that last night was American Idol night and missed the first 20 minutes of the show. “It’s no real loss, Scarlet.” I told myself. Yes, I call myself Scarlet. Let’s move on. I thought it would be no real loss because I could still an hour and 40 minutes of Idol. *Or so I thought.

So I started my night with the skin-crawlingly nauseating vocal stylings of David Cook. Not my favorite way to start any evening.

David Cook – Tag! Was this our first instance of camera fuckery? I believe it might have been! David gives me the monkey nerves with that freakish, creepy, flat-ironed, thin hair that looks like a bad comb-over to cover up his 25 year old male pattern baldness. I almost can’t get past the hair. Or the camera fucking. I didn’t love his rendition of The Turtles’ “Happy Together” as much as the judges did; I didn’t love it at all, actually. I thought it was screamy and yelly and really, really pitchy. He was trying to reach specific notes while shrieking but was unable to attain said specific notes, so settled for lesser, crappier notes in the completely wrong key. And the camera fucking? Dios mio! It was enough to induce a violent attack of OCD, causing me to check and recheck the locks on all of my doors. Shades of "If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her." Seriously.

Jason Yeager – I didn’t realize this guy was from Grand Prairie, which borders my hometown of Irving, Texas. Or that he has one of those weird Sixth Sense locks of gray hair, which is proof positive that he sees dead people. I’m all about the dudes’ hair tonight and how stabby it makes me. I thought his performance of “Moon River” was completely and utterly snooze worthy. Monumental bore and maddeningly Andy Williams-esque. He sang it like a member of a frat boy’s chorus, for the love of God. Should have been wearing a letter sweater. Simon pegged it with “cruise ship”. Simon – call me.

Robbie Carrico – I haven’t been very impressed by Robbie Carrico so far, and his performance tonight definitely was not the performance that changed my mind. He reminds me of any drunk guy in any karaoke bar in any city. You know the guy: he gets tanked on Old Milwaukee and sings “Freebird” because he’s just drunk enough to believe he should be in a band. I don’t like the tone of his voice and he doesn’t seem to have much control over it. Sang “One” by Three Dog Night. Randy liked it, which cements my theory that Randy is indeed retarded and in need of supervision. Clearly he can’t make responsible decisions left on his own.

David Archuleta – OMGWTFBBQ? What happened, sweet little David? He definitely needs to sing in a higher register than his version of “Shop Around” required. The judges were sloppin’ sugar all over him up in that bitch though; Simon labeled it as the best performance of the evening so far. Was I the only one who heard him going through puberty? You could actually hear his sack drop. He’s cute as a bug though, so I can’t help but like him, and he seems so genuinely overwhelmed and excited by the whole thing. It’s sort of sweet. God, what’s wrong with me?!

And that’s when the picture went out. I could hear Danny Noriega trying unsuccessfully to sound butch while murdering "Jailhouse Rock", but I couldn’t see him. Nor could I see Paula when she prattled on and on about colors and bunnies. The drugs must have kicked in. Maybe it's best that all of my senses weren't lambasted by Paula...

*And that’s when the CABLE went out and since I’m “bundled”, the internets went as well. Bye-bye. Later. See ya, maybe. Which is awesome. My cable company is the devil. The cable and internet came back on sometime over night I guess, because it was back on at 6am this morning when it woke me up. Thanks, huge billion dollar cable corporation for not only wrecking my viewing pleasure, but for waking me up too, fuckers.

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fir