Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

One More Reason to Love Andy Samberg

There isn't going to be an actual news update today, because it's a slow news day, and I'm sure no one cares that Ace Young is performing at a rose bowl parade in some small town somewhere. Which he is. All the 'Idol' news is about how Chris Sligh got voted off and Sanjaya Malakar remains, much to my chagrin and yours. However, current SNL-er, and if I have anything to say about it, future husband Andy Samberg took on the mop-topped crooner this past weekend, and it was quite hilarious. Not dick-in-a-box hilarious, but I giggled. Here it is:

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

Wednesday News Update

Constantine Maroulis to Camera-Fuck Housewives Everywhere
The alleged "gorgeous Greek music maker" will be joining the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful this summer. He'll be playing a fictional version of himself. They make it sound as though he's actually a real guy -- come on, dude's like, three steps below Fabio. (Entertainment Tonight)

Amy Lee Jumps on the Idol-hating Bandwagon
Evanescence's Amy Lee recently watched Idol for the first time, after someone told her Gina Glocksen sang the groups hit, "Call Me When You're Sober." While Amy thought Gina did an all right job, she found the show "hilarious and depressing." Normally I'd disagree, but we are talking about a show that Sanjaya Malakar is still a part of. Thanks, Howard Stern! (Blabbermouth)

Alaina Alexander + Chris Richardson = 4 Eva
The latest hot Idol gossip from TMZ is that Alaina and Chris R. are more than just friends, and have been since she was on the show. Which means that Chris will probably not be taking me up on any of my Mrs. Robinson type offers.

Alaina Alexander's Racy Photos
Check out Alaina's new MySpace Music Page! I don't know about you, but if I wanted to be taken seriously as a musician after sucking on television week after week, I'd just post naked and semi-naked pictures of myself on the Internet. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, CHRIS? IS IT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?



And last but not least, DialIdol's got Jordin Sparks, Haley Scarnato and Chris Sligh in the bottom three. I'm not buying it.

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Poll Time: Will 'Idol' Change Its Voting System?

The one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and Howard Stern urging viewers to vote for Sanjaya is clearly influencing the results. 'Cause it sure ain't skill keeping him around. What that boy did to The Kinks is a crime worthy of a slow and painful death, if you ask moi.

But it looks like he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Hell, if the momentum continues, he could very well win the whole damn thing.

Clearly, this season's results are already skewed but what about next year? Will producers make changes? Is voting via unlimited phone calls and text messages a thing of the past? Tell us...

Will "American Idol" be forced to change its voting system next season?
	Yup! Changes are coming.
	Nope! Things will stay the same.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 10

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Kinda Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Bummer. Paula behaved herself on both of this week's installments. No histrionics, no indecipherable gibberish (relatively speaking) and no crying spells. However! Did you catch her bizarre appearance on Letterman?! This, my friends, maintains her Level o' Crazy at five. Nowhere in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram rules does it say that her hysteria is limited to American Idol episodes. Even it was in the rules, I'd totally defy that stipulation because, well, I can. I don't have much power but what little I do possess, I do my best to wield obnoxiously. How am I doing?

Until next time, think dementia!

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

"Simon Can't Drive a Five Speed Worth a Flip" says Bucky

This just in:



What's your fondest memory of Simon?
I walked outside one time and saw Simon get into this beautiful black Ferrari – we all know Simon is loaded. He gets into his car and you hear "Vrooooom." He burnt the clutch out of it. He cannot drive a five speed worth a flip! I, personally, am a fan of Simon, but with all that money get an automatic!

Read more of what Bucky has to say and see why Bucky is Clairvoyant

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Two for Two!

At the risk of seeming boastful, can I predict the soon-to-be booted or can I predict the soon-to-be booted?! Admittedly, I've sucked with my bottom three predictions but I have been on the money with my Top 12 cast-off soothsaying. Brandon Rogers? Check! Stephanie Edwards? Affirmative! However, do not mistake my bragging for actual glee because while neither Brandon nor Stephanie would have won the whole damn thing, both of them are more deserving of a spot in the Top 10 than Sanjaya or Haley. Bogus.

Other than that, I really only have one note from tonight's results show:

Peter Noone should never clap his hands or attempt "dancing" in public ever again. Actually, I'm going to extend this ban to private clapping and dancing as well.

What the hell was he doing up there? Like, he kept awkwardly jabbing at the air while bending at the knee to bounce in place. White stereotypes aside, can this really be considered dancing?

And then! Then! Peter Noone executed an unexpected -- and very alarming -- pelvic thrust in the direction of the Idol hopefuls. In one moment, he was giving them an innocuous thumbs up and in the next, he was treating them to an eyeful of his decrepit old man junk. If you ask me, Peter Noone has all the makings of a flasher. How many easy-open rain coats does he have in his closet, I wonder?!

Here's the Top 10 (aka People I'll Violently Boo During the Idols Live! Tour with the Exception of Melinda Doolittle Unless She Does Something between Now and Then to Piss Me Off, Which I Highly Doubt):

1. Melinda Doolittle
2. Gina Glocksen
3. Lakisha Jones
4. Blake Lewis
5. Sanjaya Malakar
6. Chris Richardson
7. Haley Scarnato
8. Chris Sligh
9. Jordin Sparks
10. Phil Stacey

Give Me Time and I Can Rhyme

Haley
Haley's performance draws a total blank
All I recall is that she looked like a skank
She need to get through this week so she can go on tour
I guess she figured the best way was to dress like a whore

Chris R.
If I were him I would run and hide
Or maybe even commit suicide
and never again sing another tune
after being dissed by Peter fucking Noone

Stephanie
She's got a good voice but she is a bit of a drag
for such a young chick she is like an old hag
I dont hate her really- I''m just not a big fan
I usually skip her songs and visit the can

Blake
If I have to sit through more beatbox from this guy
I'd just as well shove a sharp stick in my eye
Last night's performance pretty much stunk
he did not bring the noise, he did not bring the funk

Lakisha
Lakisha, you know I already love you a lot
but last night, Goddamn, you looked really hot
Beautiful dress and about rocks you did sing
and I call them "rocks" because I refuse to say "bling"

Phil
During Tobacco Road sang by the goblin Phil
myself- is who I wanted to kill
the way I see it- if I was dead
I'd never again see that screeching bald head

Jordin
I cannot come up with one single snark
Toward the lovely and elegant Miss Jordin Spark(s)
I know toward Jordin I can't be too surly
Otherwise I will suffer the wrath of Curly

Sanjaya
Can someone tell me why he has not yet been booted?
He is so unbearable that my TV gets muted.
I can't believe so many people vote for this guy
It's like this entire country is high

Gina
(to the tune of Paint It Black)
I hate your haircut and I think your singing's wack
Anyone who liked that must be smoking crack
Let's finally rid ourselves of this poser Ms. Glock
She is not a bad ass and she so does not rock

Chris S.
I don't know what happened- he just really blows
every word he sings comes right out of his nose
I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to be crass
but I have heard better noises come out of my ass

Melinda
I have to agree- not her personal best
yet she remains leagues above the rest
nothing bad can ever be said about Ms. Dolittle
I am not even bothered by the huge spray of spittle

Crying Girl Identity Revealed!

Who was that inconsolable girl sobbing her way into America's hearts last night? Why, it was 13-year-old Ashley Ferl from Riverside. It seems she had gotten tickets to attend a taping of Are You Smarter Then a 5th Grader and as an added bonus, got to catch the dress rehearsal of Idol. Upon arrival, young Ashley immediately began losing her shit, and if there's one thing FOX knows how to do well, it's exploit both people and opportunities, thus Ashley was invited to stay. Quoth the L.A. Times:

Asked whom she was supporting in the competition she named "Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin" as her picks, refusing to narrow her vote down to a single choice. All my journalistic powers of persuasion, cajoling, bullying and insistence that on her vote might turn the entire competition, that "Listen to reason, young Ferl, there can't be four American Idols," would not convince her to name a single favorite. To my every argument, she would only repeat her mantra, "All Four: Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin." And so the race begins in earnest, with tears at every step of the way.

And that, my friends, is how one becomes a reality television star.

Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 9

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: We had a crying fit! A genuine, snotty-nosed crying fit! Yet another reason to love Melinda Doolittle: She inspires gushing and blubbering. As such, Paula has crept into the mid-range of the Insanity Index. Conversely, the American Midol Cranky Quotient took a nose dive because it's happy times here when Paula loses her shit. Can you imagine the tears when Melinda really settles in and grows more comfortable up on that big stage?! Uncontrollable waterworks! Heaving sobs! Scary facial contortions and creepy grimacing! Oh, it's going to be so good.

Until next time, think continued hysteria!

Thursday News Brief

No real shocker during the results show... um, except Diana Ross's horrifying performance. In the immortal words of EMF, what the fuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaas that?! I was not expecting her to suck ass so bad. Wow. Just wow. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Today's a light news day, which suits me and my jacked up sinuses just fine. Here ya go:

Simon Cowell's to Blame for Paula Abdul's On-Air Erratic Ways
In a slightly modified version of the Folgers Challenge, Simon secretly replaced Paula's "legally prescribed medication" with crystal meth and it's been all downhill from there. Such a prankster, that Simon. (People)

Flow It, Show It, Long as God Can Grow It... Sanjaya's Hair
I really don't know what to say about this. The pictures speak for themselves. But is it just me, or does Sanjaya look like Jo Anne Worley in that middle image?

Um, I just thought of something: Am I the only 33-year-old who even knows who Jo Anne Worley is? I scare me. (TMZ)

Simon's Is Bigger Than Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce's
Oooh, Simon took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen! Oh snap! Actually, on second thought, who cares? Like, I know I'm from New Jersey and I'm supposed to be steeped in the legend and mystique that is Springsteen and stuff, but, well... I'm not. While I have the floor, I've also never set foot in Camaro nor have I ever teased my hair or pluralized the word "ziti." Wait, what was my point? Oh right, Simon's been bragging that in terms of record deals, he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. Really, Simon? Bruce is the comparative you're going with? Sorry, I didn't realize that the recent clock change sent us back to 1984... (AP)

Results

Recap probably coming later from someone who watched the show more closely than I did (making the boyfriend watch with me usually leads to my missing half of the show because of channel surfing during commercials or talking or whatnot), but for those of you searching for who got voted off, it was, as we all predicted thankyouverymuch Brandon Rogers, with his adorable face and fabulous skin and pretty smile and cute hairdo and disappointing vocals. What we didn't predict correctly is who would actually comprise the bottom three. Phil? NO! Sanjaya? YES! And there you have it, folks.

A Timely Recap

Jess? I am with you. 100%. I felt very bad for Sanjaya at first but enough is enough.

Ok. I watched the show on a delay last night so I was able to fast forward through some particularly painful moments. I am not going to go into a lengthy recap as my associates have already done a bang up job and -well- it's really because one of my crowns (tooth, not royal accoutrement but draw your own conclusion) fell out and I am cranky and tired from all this unemployment.

So here it is.

Brandon: Again- did he even sing last night?

Melinda: I sent a text to Jess that said "If she does not win I am joining al queda" I think that about sums it up. I got all teary and misty over her.

(Note to over patriotic lunatics that will take that literally- I AM NOT really going to join al queda- nor do I in any way condone their practices. Thank you and God Bless America)

Chris: I can't believe that that was the same guy who said he wanted to watch David Hasselhoff cry. He back talked Simon ONCE and now he has been reduced to a Michael Boltonesque Lite FM whiner who just wants to be loved. I also echo Simon when I say LEAVE YOUR GLASSES ON DUDE.

Gina: Remember that line in the 1988 masterpiece film "Working Girl"? Joan Cusack's character said- "Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will. " Take heed of that, Glockenspiel. Your chokers and rebel haircut don't make you Joan Jett and they never will. Hell, they don't even make you Joan Cusack. Go home already.

Sanjaya: I fast forwarded through his performance. I can't take it anymore. He had to be wearing curlers at some point for last night's monstrosity. All I can say is that his different hairdos remind me of when me and my neighbor friend Kelly used to do experimental hairstyles on her little brother.

Haley: I did not hate Haley last night. That is the best I can muster.


Phil: I finally figured it out. He's Gollum. If he starts calling himself Smeagol in the first person and calling winning idol "The Precious" don't say I didn't warn you you.

LaKisha: Kiki. I don't know what else to say. The piece of hair in her eyes bugged me bit otherwise she was phenomenal.

Blake: You know, he has douchey tendencies but I have to give him credit for his effort. I agree that his vocals were not stellar but I think he did a lot better and should not listen to what Simon says. (Ha! See what I did there? "Simon says"? Genius.)

Stephanie: Not sure. I think I dozed off while she was singing.

Chris: I DON'T GET IT. He is like a badly out of tune Justin Timberlake who is most definitely NOT bringing sexy back. I don't think he even he had it to begin with. Seriously.

Jordin: I am not all a-swoon the way the judges were. I liked it for the most part- but I am afraid she is teetering into McPhee territory...but she is young and hopefully she will learn that the path of the righteous does lead to becoming a mewling self-absorbed skank.

Predictions?
Bottom three: Stephanie, Gina, Brandon
Going Home: Brandon

Should be going home? Sanjaya. No offense kid, but it's time.

Dissent and Goings-On

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly did such a good job. I'll take the news, but first, I have to make a few points about last night, either because they weren't previously mentioned or because I don't agree with what's been stated.

1. I'm irrationally protective of Gina, which I fully admit, but I thought she did a good job with Love Child. While she may not have the flawless vocal power of LaKisha and Melinda, I think she's a hard worker with a great range, and I enjoyed it. If she sticks around, I think she's going to grow week after week, especially now that she's in the little rocker box the judges have been trying to shove her into since day one.

2. I actually don't think Haley is going to be in the bottom three this week. She clearly has a fan base, and when Antonella was voted off, I was all set to redirect my hatred toward Haley, but she's just so damn likeable. It actually kind of pisses me off.

3. I like Phil Stacey, and I don't care who knows it. He's a super dork who tries to act like a cool guy, and I would never want to see him naked, but when he hits those power notes, he makes me smile. I can't help it. With all the shoddy non-talent on the guy's side, I need someone to root for, and he's it.

4. I hated Stephanie's rendition of Love Hangover. I thought it was boring, and didn't show her amazing vocal range. Also, did you know she's only 19? Can the judges give her a little of that Jordin love?

5. After the uncomfortable banter between Simon and Ryan last night, the only thing that's really left for them to do is make out with each other during a live show. I am so sick of the "I'm straight, you're gay, no, I'm straight, you're gay, or, you know, let's just fuck each other" thing they have going on this season. I mean, it's always there to a certain degree, but COME ON.

6. My predictions: Bottom three goes to Brandon Rogers, Chris Sligh and Stephanie Edwards. Going home? Brandon Rogers.

Okay, and now onto the news:

Idol Hopefuls Love Jesus
Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Dolittle all have friends at the Gospel Music Association. As long as none of them start ranting about "lifestyle choices," ala Mandisa, they're cool by me. (Christian Today)

Sheryl Crowe hates Idol
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of "artists" hating on Idol. While the show may be responsible for the inexplicable fame of DAUGHTRY, you can't really deny that it's produced some viable stars who deserve their fame. Kelly Clarkson, anyone? (Buddy TV)

Jennifer Hudson May Play Aretha Franklin
Great. Then she'll be nominated for another Oscar and diss Idol again and then we can have another Hudson vs. Cowell feud. Sigh. (All Headline News)

Jennifer Hudson is Also a Huge Diva
Hudson reportedly tried to back out of performing at the Soul Train Awards, but then attended after Clive Davis issued a smackdown. Okay, seriously, this girl is not famous or accomplished enough to be acting like this. I'm so sick of her. (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Simon Will Quit if Sanjaya Wins
To show our solidarity, I hereby decree that should Sanjaya win, American Midol will be no more. Mejack? Curly? You with me? (TV Squad)

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

Monday News Brief

Today's news brief will be just that because I feel like ass. I promise to get plenty of rest. In fact, all the boys' performances tomorrow night should be more potent than Nyquil in lulling me into a sound sleep. Until then...

Mario Vasquez Channels George Michael
Q: What's white and oozes down the bathroom wall?
A: Mario Vasquez's latest release.

Sorry, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to show off my suprisingly large canon of foul, tastless jokes. Admittedly, I don't know shit about wine but I can certainly tell you every Helen Keller joke there is.

Okay, onto the useful portion of this news item... If you'll recall, the talented Season 4 contestant mysteriously dropped out of the competition despite favorable notices from all three judges. Rumors ranged from an impending record deal to accusations of homosexuality but no real explanation was given and then everyone kinda forgot and stopped caring. Or at least I did.

Two years later, the mystery is solved: It turns out, Mario tried playing a wee game of "I'll Show You Mine" with an Idol employee named Magdaleno Olmos, who did not, in fact, want to show Mario his in return, nor even see Mario's in the first place.

Mmm... fresh scandal! Antonella Barba is no doubt writing Mario a note of thanks for taking some of the heat off of her. Oh wait, can Antonella even write? (TMZ.com)

Jennifer Hudson Once Again Proves She's an Insufferable Beav
Recently, Simon Cowell took Jennifer to task for for downplaying American Idol's contribution to her current level of success. Her response:

"If I'd been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens I wouldn't be here either, so should I thank them too?"

No, Jennifer, you don't have to thank Burger King. However, you should thank me for not putting my foot in your ass... yet. (Starpulse.com)

Paula Abdul Was 'Shocked' Over Sundance Head's Dismissal
Well, that makes one person who was. Clearly, her delusions are starting to surface. This certainly means a nice spike in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. Oh, goodie! (BuddyTV)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Result Show: The Recap

First of all, I don't want to hear the song "Stuck in the Middle With You" unless I'm watching someone's ear get cut off. I certainly don't want to listen to Haley Scarnato warble through it. Apparently, someone forgot to turn Sanjaya Malakar's mic on and dammit, Sundance actually sounds good. What the hell is going on?

Phil Stacey is safe! His wife claps and smiles prettily but deep down in the ugly parts of her brain I bet she's thinking, "You BEST be fucking safe after missing the birth of our child for this!"

Jared Cotter is going home. I rule! He pulls the Chris Daughtry douche move and acts surprised, then angry, then actually verbalizes how surprised he is. Cocky much? Antonella Barba is inexplicably crying at this news. The camera is avoiding Sundance, who is crying like a damn fool I'm sure.

Brandon Rogers and Melina Doolittle are brought out, the two backup singers. Is there room for two backup singers in this competition? Why yes, there is. I was wrong about Brandon, and I'm glad.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage. Seriously, how can you not like Carrie Underwood? She's adorable, she seems sweet, and she can sing like nobody's business. She almost makes me enjoy country. And Jesus.

Antonella is going home. For once, I am proud of America. Well, the part of America that isn't my Little Brother, anyway. I was wrong about Stephanie Edwards, and once again, I am glad.

[Side note: LB just sent me an IM about his darling Antonella. What a sad day. Like remembering where you were when The Challenger exploded.]

Sabrina Sloan and Haley Scarnato take the stage. They are both crying. I have a very, very bad feeling. My feeling is confirmed as they announce that Sabrina's journey ends. Suddenly, I hate America again. Sundance wipes big man tears out of his eyes.

Thursday announcement: Idol wants to give back. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest took a trip to Africa. They hung out with children living under horrible conditions. I can't even snark on this, because this obviously had a profound effect on both of them, and they were adorable with the kids, particularly Simon. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are heading to New Orleans next to help victims of Katrina. This is very cool, y'all. Anyway, there are going to be two television "events" to support the cause. Here are the DEETS (Mejack loves it when I say DEETS):

April 24th and 25th: Tuesday's show will be an inspirational songs theme. The top six remaining contestants will sing, and for every vote the American public casts, Coca Cola, AT&T and "others" will donate money. Ford will also be contributing through a weekly video series. Viewers at home will be able to make their own contributions via an 800-number or online. Quincy Jones will be writing a song for the top six to perform, and special guests will include; Borat, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Bono, Annie Lennox and Michael Buble.

Last up: Sanjaya Malakar and Sundance Head. I honestly don't care which one of them is going home. It’s Sundance! The judges are shocked, because in the reality they choose to live in, Sundance hasn't sucked since Hollywood. Also, when they told him he sucked week after week? Never happened. Sundance does unspeakable things to Pearl Jam, again, and that, my friends, begins the finals on American Idol.

Thursday News Update

Nigel to Rosie: We Love Fatties, Black People
Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lithgoe has fired back at Rosie for calling the show "racist" and "weightiest" for keeping Antonella Barba after booting Frenchie Davis from the competition in season two. To illustrate his point, Nigel points out that Randy Jackson is a fatty-fatty-two-by-four. (TMZ)

Rosie to Nigel: Whatever
Rosie fired back at Nigel on her blog, with, you guessed it! Bad poetry. In a post entitled "star search/american idol," daytime television's own poet laureate says:

well…
what can u say really
from the coca-cola red couch

i call it as i see it
nigel l - sam r
same same same
1985 - 2007
blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah

Oooh, burn! And by "burn," I mean, wait, what? (r blog)

Jennifer Hudson's Surprise Visit
Jennifer Hudson reportedly dropped in on the season six semifinalists last week on elimination day. The reason, she said, was to meet them and offer encouragement. Let's hope she also told them a cautionary fairy tale about a girl who found success after Idol and then acted like a giant asshole and forgot where she came from. You know, like a fictional bedtime story. (Star Pulse)

Americans Love Daughtry, Hate Good Music
DAUGHTRY, the album from Chris DAUGHTRY's band DAUGHTRY (sensing a theme?) is at #1 again, apparently breaking all sorts of records. In other news, I listen to "It's Not Over" to help me get to sleep at night.

All Antonella Barba, All the Time
If you're still into that kind of thing, Little Brother, (who despite my text last night which said "vote for antonella and suffer my wrath" still did it) more pics of the Idol hopeful acting like a drunk college girl.

Antonella Barba Says "Keep Talkin'!"
On her MySpace page, Barba has posted a message which says, "Keep talking, you're making me famous." You have to be her friend to see the rest of her profile, though, and something tells me she isn't going to want to be our friend. But you want to be our friend, Don't you?

And now for the predictions:

Moi: Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato, see ya!

Dial Idol's also got their money on Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato.

AOL's Idol poll has Antonella and Haley at the bottom. If only.

And just because she's my American Idol, here's Tara Reid singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart":

Big Waste of Time

You know, I dutifully watch the boys perform week after week - and I am so bored and disappointed by them the whole thing is starting to feel like homework. Last night I literally did not start watching until almost nine so that I could fast forward through most of it- and while I was watching I was actually paying more attention to balancing my checkbook. I am not kidding.

I have nothing to say about any of them except that a few times during the show I wished that I was deaf. I did not vote for anyone. Not even Sanjaya. Can someone please tell me why he ironed his head?

Prediction?

I don't fucking care. Seriously. I'll take a guess and say that it will be Jared and Sanjaya. But again. I don't care at all.

And the chicks.

Jordin, Stephanie and Sabrina: Fine, swell whatever. Good job. Super. YO.

Gina: I still fucking HATE Gina. Enough with this shit already. She is not a rocker. She is not edgy. Someone needs to tell her that there is nothing LESS punk rock than being on American Idol. I am way more badass than her, and I am a goddamn accountant.

Haley: Thanks, Bye.

Lakisha: Awesome. As usual.

Melinda: Anyone who does not love this woman needs to be institutionalized. Period.

Predictions: Haley and Gina Glockenspiel


That's all for now. I am hoping that next week will bring me out of my funk. I am not feeling much for anyone besides Melinda Smalls.

Top 8 Girls: The Recap

Ah, much better than last night! Although, maybe it was the bottle of Riesling that I killed while watching tonight's show that made my enjoyment increase exponentially... Nah, the girls are just better. But that's kind of like saying that not scalding yourself with hot water is better than, uh, you know, scalding yourself with hot water.

Wow, I'm drunk.

Anyhoo, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar
Like, I know she's underage and stuff and it can totally get me thrown in jail but, dude, I love this girl. My crush is nowhere near the McPhee/Carrie Underwood level but still, I dig Jordin. She's beautiful and I would love to have just five minutes alone with her. I guarantee she'd emerge from that meeting with, at the very least, a few questions about her sexuality. The straight girls dig me, you see...

Anyhoo, I love that she tackled :: all bow :: Pat Benatar but I don't love what she did with the song. I wrote down "kind of manic" on my big yellow legal pad and was positively chuffed when Simon echoed my sentiments during his critique. Still, I think she has a lot of potential, a great personality and the precise amount of youthful exuberance that makes her enjoyable without being annoying.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue
This was kind of yelly. And I don't care for Sabrina's nose. But the curls? Well, I love those. The song, though, I don't recollect much if it which, perhaps, doesn't bode well for Sabrina. However, the night is still young and Antonella has yet to "sing."

Speak of the devil...

Antonella Barba
Performed: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Antontella's secret is that she's been playing the violin since the age of four. And by playing the violin since the age of four she means... oh fuck it, the "Antonella is a whore" jokes are so played out. I'm not even going there. As for the song, it was better than her previous attempts but, well, see my scalding water example above.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "If My Heart Had Wings" by Melissa Manchester
Simon often uses the "That was like something you'd see in a theme park" criticism and sometimes, I don't really know what he's getting at. Tonight, however, I do. I really, really do. Except, Simon didn't apply that particular assessment tonight when really, he should have. I have been to every park with the Disney World logo slapped on it and that's precisely the type of cheese you'd see at, like, Epcot and that, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not, but I wrote "just like Marie Osmond" in my notes tonight. A cheesy, overly-earnest performance with syrupy song lyrics... Marie Osmond... Yup, sounds about right.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Khan
Stephanie told us that her secret was that she was shy as a child. If you ask me, her real secret is that she stole Fantasia's hairdo.

I can't really say any more about Stephanie because I used her performance as an opportunity to throw in a load of laundry and refill my glass of the aforementioned Riesling. Make of that what you will.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Even though Lakisha dared to pick a song from the forbidden list, she at least did the song justice. I guess. I don't know. I hate that song. But she at least she didn't embarrass herself. And, honestly, it kind of touched my heart when Simon complimented Lakisha on her beauty tonight. Lest you think I'm going soft, I'll refer you to my previous mentions of wine consumption. That shit makes me schmoopie. While I'm loathe to part with my bitchy edge, wine is slightly less fattening than beer and as a weight-conscious alcoholic, I do what I can to cut calories here and there while still acquiring a decent buzz.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence
I didn't hate this, even though I'm not too keen on Gina. I don't despise her but Gina's in the same category of Blake -- she teeters on the edge of being an asshole. She's not quite there but there's serious potential.

I kind of like how she incorporated the band in her number though. She obviously knew the song well enough to know when to turn around, face the band dramatically and, uh, rock out as well as one can rock out to Evanescence.

You'll have to forgive my snobbery here because even though Evanescence could very well be legit, I have a default disdain for newer bands and their level of bad-assitude. That shit has to be earned over years in the spotlight. Evanescence is still too new to have respectable cred.

OMG, I just said "cred" in relation to a band's ability to rock. I'm not sure I like myself as wino. I'm not nearly this much of a music geek when I'm bombed on beer, I assure you.

Speaking of the band, who did the drummer blow to get this much camera time? As I recall, he received upwards of five close-ups during Nick Pedro's "Fever" last week. Rickey Minor cannot be happy about this. Uh, unless, of course, he was on the receiving end of said hummer...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee
I hope she wins the whole thing. I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't. She has the singing skills in conjunction with a refreshing lack of attitude that makes her a prime candidate to take the Idol crown.

Tonight's performance was stunning. She's simultaneously polished and rough around the edges and I love her for it. Her singing skills are stellar but at the same time, she possesses a vulnerable modesty that is so endearing. She's completely genuine yet profoundly talented. Offstage, she seems to be quiet and hesitant about the attention. Onstage, however, she just unloads and it's awesome in its contradiction and SO natural. I adore her.

Tonight, I think Melinda took a monumental leap forward from her status as a background singer, but at the same time, she managed to work her way to the back of the stage during her performance and align herself with the talented trio of backup singers and proceeded to sing to/with them briefly before strutting towards center stage. It was at once a respectful acknowledgement of who she once was and where's she's headed. Awesome.

Even though she didn't need it, I cast my vote for Melinda tonight because, at last, I'm finally inspired by someone in this boring ass competition.

Predictions: Haley's gone. Antonella should be right behind her but alas, that's probably not the case. Hmm, decisions, decisions... I'm guessing it's between Sabrina and Stephanie, which is completely bogus because they can both sing circles around that stupid shit from Point Pleasant. If Antonella was at least likable, I'd rally for her as an underdog but she's got the personality of a wet mop. And depending on her previous night's activities, probably the same smell as one. Ha! I kill me... But I digress, I think Stephanie will be right on the heels of Marie Osmond, er, I mean Haley.

Wednesday News Update

Should we even call it a news update anymore? Isn't it really just an Antonella Barba update at this point? Anyway, without further ado…

Take a Gamble on Antonella Barba
Online betting site WagerWeb is less concerned with who will win this season of Idol and more so on what dramas will play out. I don't know about you, but I think that's a lot more fun than watching the guys perform. Not surprisingly, they have an entire category devoted to our favorite Jersey Girl. Among the items one can bet on are: she will appear nude in Playboy and she will be photographed drunk with Paris Hilton. You know, I was going to declare a ban on all things Antonella, but she's so damn good for traffic, and I'm nothing if not a traffic whore. Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba…

Joe Francis Wants Antonella Barba to Go Wild
Girls Gone Wild creator and notorious scumbag Joe Francis wants Antonella, and she doesn't even have to flash her boobs. Francis has reportedly offered her $250,000 to host one of his racy videos. Oh, Joe. She would have done it for free.

Chi-Town to Jennifer Hudson: …
Yesterday was officially Jennifer Hudson Day in the Oscar-winner's hometown of Chicago. Only when she asked the crowd for audience participation, she was met with dead silence. A second attempt yielded the same results. Backlash for all of her Idol smacktalking, perhaps?

FOX: 1, Rosie: 0
FOX issues Rosie O'Donnell a smackdown for her recent negative comments about the show -- they won't let The View use clips anymore. If only shutting Rosie up were that easy.

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Poll Time: Is There an 'Idol' Double Standard?

The Antonella Barba scandal continues! Some folks are none too pleased that the not-so-camera-shy contestant remains in the running while Season Two's Frenchie Davis got the premature boot but good for the same reason.

Were Frenchie's pictures dirtier? Maybe? Is it because she's got a bit o' the junk in the trunk? Perhaps. Or did her race play a part in the decision? Rosie O'Donnell seems to think so. Because, uh, Rosie is now an expert on race relations in America? Say what you want about Rosie but at least she's consistent in having shrill, ill-informed, knee-jerk responses to just about everything. Rarely does she throw us for a loop with say, a lucid, well-researched argument.

Dumbasses aside, Frenchie rightfully wants to know why she was dismissed while Antonella remains. So, what say you...

Is there a double standard on American Idol?
	Yup
	Nope
	I dunno
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday News Update

We didn't have a Monday update, and it was all my fault because I got drunk and watched The Wicker Man with Chicken Supreme instead of posting one. That movie is a craptastic joy to watch, let me tell you.

Antonella Barba is Jesus
How Antonella Barba became the most famous person on Earth boggles the mind. Look, she's even on toast now. Toast! (eBay)

Antonella Barba Also Pisses People Off
A bunch of people who have way too much time on their hands and could use a nice gin and tonic and possibly some meditation to chill the fuck out, are protesting at the Kodak Theater as I write this because they think Antonella should get the boot. Whatever. Also, more pics of her acting like a porn star at the WWII memorial. (WWTDD, aka Jess' Future Husband)

Jennifer Hudson's Pants Are on Fire
'Extra' decided to do a little investigative journalism, and look into Jennifer Hudson's incessant claims that Simon was a big old meanie to her and the show was abusive and wah wah boo hoo you're famous now shut up. Anyway, turns out she's a big old liar. I'm taking Beyonce's side. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Thinks Taylor Hicks Sucks
I knew there was a reason Simon was my homeboy. While we don't all hate Taylor Hicks here at American Midol, the haters are most definitely in the majority. Shocking, right? Us hating someone? (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell Also Thinks Rehab is Cool
I usually agree with what Simon has to say, but when he takes on my girl Britney Spears, I need to defend her. Give her a break, dude. Girlfriend lost her freaking mind. (TV Grapevine)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

Smack Talking Simon

Simon Trashes Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks

Dude. I am like a gumshoe supersleuth when it comes to picking up these nuances in People Magazine articles.

It is interesting to note that all of the former contestants he names as "standouts from the beginning" only include those that have either made a return appearance on the show or have credited American Idol for jump starting their career.

Simon also pointed out how Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks would be basically nothing without him the show. Homeboy even went as far to say that Kelly Clarkson was not a strong contender until mid-season. (You know Jess is going to have to cut a bitch after she hears that one.) It is amazingly coincidental that these particular former contestants are those who have not paid much mind to Idol since their departure. OR IS IT?

Simon, I do wish you would remove this cloak of bitterness and resume wearing your smoky charcoal V-necks.

Photo: answers.com

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Kellie Pickler's DD Cups of Ambition

Is it just me or did Kellie look like she just strolled off the set of 9 to 5 tonight?

Say, this reminds me of a joke...

Q: Have you seen the new shoes Kellie Pickler bought with her American Idol earnings?

A: No? Neither has she.

Photo: Amazon.com

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

The Terrorists Are Winning

I am ashamed of my country today.

How Captain Smarm stayed on the show and AJ was voted off is just reprehensible, America. Shame on you. I did not expect AJ to win but I thought he would go farther than this.

I can't watch the elimination shows. Seriously. I need like some xanax or something.
Tonight I got 3 out of 4 eliminations correct but I don't feel good about it. Not one bit. I should just stop watching the eliminations and have someone tell me the results when it's over.

Oh yeah- and SPIDER FUCKING SUSHI was not all all contrived. NOT AT ALL. Duh.

update: Holy Shit- I just realized that I did not, in fact get 3 out of 4- I got 2 out of 4. I confused Alaina with Haley. They are the girls that suck heartily and Haley is gone next week so it really doesn't matter. Oh, and Jess- I gave Sanjaya two sympathy votes but I sent many, many votes for AJ. So you can bite me.

An Announcement

Hi y'all, just wanted to give you a heads up that we have links over on the right hand side to all the MySpace profiles for the Top 24. You know you want to be friends with Antonella Barba. The only name that isn't linked is Stephanie Edwards, because she's too cool for MySpace.

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina