News, News and More News

Put your reading glasses on, folks, it's going to be a long one…

Kellie Pickler signs with 19 Recordings/BNA, follows through on diabolical plan to publicly annoy Jess for all eternity. (WebWire)

Katharine McPhee co-produces play for the New York Fringe Festival. Jess and Curly buy tickets. Mejack mocks them. In other news, one shouldn't play sick to get out of an 'Idol' tour and expect that no one will notice they're co-producing a play. Just sayin'. (Playbill)

It's a good thing our economy is so stable and we have no wars to worry about, otherwise how would our president ever have time to hang out with the 'Idol' finalists? (USA Today)

Does anyone else think it's weird to play yourself in a movie about yourself? Fantasia Barrino doesn't, obviously. Personally, when Lifetime makes a movie about my life, I'm hoping for Kellie Martin. But that may just be me. (Hartford Courant)

An interview with Bo Bice. Apparently, you don't have to be a fucking potty mouth to throw a kickass rock n' roll show. (The Sun News)

Taylor Hicks visits sick woman. Jess refrains from making any jokes about Taylorepsy or what it means when Taylor Hicks is the person someone most wants to meet. (13 WHAM-TV)

Katharine McPhee will also brave illness to co-host 'The View' on Thursday. DVR that shit, Curly! (Reality TV Magazine)

Cingular Wireless had a hell of a fourth quarter thanks to 'Idol.' If you're into that sort of boring financial stuff (nerd), you can read the whole release, which comes to us courtesy of The Captain, our PR Whiz. For the rest of you slackers and illiterates, here's the important part:

Cingular shattered its own record for wireless text messaging during the fifth season of "American Idol." The company recorded more than 64.5 million text messages throughout the show's most recent season, breaking last year's record of 41.5 million text messages.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho. That Kellie Pickler's GOT TO GO

As y'all probably know, 'The View' has been rotating in co-hosts since the departure of Star "The Ultimate Beast" Jones. Some of them are rumored to be auditions, as in the case of Brandy. Some, as in the former Brenda Walsh, not so much. Yesterday, that co-host was Kellie Pickler. Let's hope hers wasn't an audition. I didn't watch it, and You Tube is letting me down in a big way so I have no clips for you. Rosie O'Donnell, apparently, loves the Pickler. In fact, she even wrote a poem about it:

THAT KID
TODAY ON THE VIEW
PERFECTION!!!
TRIPLE LOVE HER

Via r blog.

And just for shits and giggles, there's the Pickler in her prom dress. Whore.

'Idol' Personality Report Card

I recently received an email containing pictures of some kids posing with the "American Idol" contestants at a post-performance meet-and-greet. Because of my superior journalistic instincts (read: I'm a nosy bitch), I followed up with the inevitable question: Are any of the Idols assholes? The answer I received was tres enlightening.

Naturally, I'm going to share my findings with you. I've even gone so far as to work the results into the well-worn report card format. Some of the grades I've doled out may surprise you.

Taylor Hicks: F
"Such a jerk. When asked for an autograph, he took the autograph book, turned his back on the kids, signed the book all while talking to some nearby women. He handed it back and that was it. When asked for a picture he agreed but he didn't even look at the kids."

Paris Bennett: D-
"Also standoffish."

Kellie Pickler: A
"Same as she appears on TV. We spoke with her for quite a while."

Chris Daughtry: A+
"So cute and nice. He told my daughter he loved her hair and when we saw him again about an hour later, he remembered her name. He remarked how cute she was and that he 'couldn't get over it.' He hugged her and we took another picture."

Ace Young: A
"So cute."

Bucky Covington: A
"A sweetheart."

Elliott Yamin: A
"Also cute and asked the kids how old they were and if they enjoyed the show."

Mandisa and Lisa Tucker: C
"OK but nothing great."

Katharine McPhee: Incomplete
Due to laryngitis, McPhee is sitting out this leg of the tour. Hmmm... I hear excessive vomiting can really wreak havoc on the throat, teeth and vocal cords. Just a thought...


Photo: CBS News

MACE ACE IN THE FACE!!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Ace was on the news for like 30 seconds and he still managed to completely piss me off.

Kevin Covais was playing "correspondent" for the local news and he was interviewing a few of the finalists. Bucky (*sigh*) was there and so was Paris and dumb Pickler. Whatever. Kevin went over to Ace and called him a babe-magnet and Ace the fucktard said:

"It's amazing. It's kind of like being in the Beatles. I leave the house not knowing if I am going to come home with all my clothes on."

Ace is like a Beatle. That's like me saying that my blog is like Tolstoy.

Jess, Curly -- stock up on tomatoes and stockpile any other thing that we can throw at the Lord of the Dumbasses. The self-proclaimed Ace The Face. AARRGGHH.

Even More 'Idol' Bits and Pieces

After a bit of a lull, we're back to bringing you more "American Idol" news than you can shake a stick at. Speaking of sticks, I wonder if I can sneak one into Nassau Coliseum this weekend to make short work of Taylor Hicks. Dilemma. Dilemma.

While I figure out the logistics, enjoy the latest headlines...

Elliott Yamin -- Revealed!
Who is Elliott's ideal duet partner? What junk food does he like to stuff into that cute little leprechaun-like face of his? Find out the answers to these probing questions and more.

Fourth Place Ain't Too Shabby for Chris Daughtry
While the chrome-domed "Idol" reject is still harping about his early ouster, at least Daughtry finally sees the silver lining in his dismissal: No more dopey Ford commercials, unlike that bitch Taylor Hicks. God, that "Possibilities" jingle he sings offends my senses. Yank it off the air. Now.

Is Katharine McPhee a Diva in Training?
Apparently, her fellow Idols think so. According to Rush & Malloy of the "New York Daily News," the second-place finisher has turned on the bitch switch. Whatevs, she's still hot.

Coming Soon to a Pedophile Watchlist Near You...
Daniel James "DJ" Boyd, a former "Idol" contestant (I do not remember him. Do you?) was just busted in Utah because he's a bit too fond o' the kiddie porn. If I may, I'd like to suggest bringing him up on further charges for the visual assault I suffered when I looked up his MySpace page. It's criminal.

Weigh in on Kelly Clarkson's Couture
Do you dig or dread the "Since You've Been Gone"-singing chanteuse's threads? Make your voice heard in the People.com poll.

Wouldn't You Like to be an 'Idol' Too?

Of course you would. Which is why you should get yourself to an audition, post-haste. Me, I'm too old to be an 'American Idol,' what with the fact that I'm pushing 80 and all, so I can't wow you with the voice once likened to a stoned 12-year-old boy. Don't cry for me, America, because I'm going to the Idols Live Tour this Sunday! Me, Bucky and a couple of Colt 45s -- who knows what will happen?

Get thee to an audition!

And now, some news:

Chris Daughtry signs with 19 Recordings/RCA Records. America says, "Duh." Fuel shakes their collective fist at the heavens. Special thanks to our PR whiz for the tidbit, which we actually got days ago, or rather I did, and was too lazy to post. (PR Newswire)

Kelly Clarkson denies reports that she's about to lose a spokesperson deal with Vitamin Water because she's a big fatty. In other news, Kelly Clarkson is not, in fact, a big fatty. She does, however, dress herself like a fruitcake. (Some random site plus the almighty Fug)

Grandpa Pickler has a heart attack. For once, Jess refrains from making joke, because Clyde Pickler is quite possibly the sweetest man alive. (AP)

Regrading next season, TMZ has the following:

Meanwhile, "Idol" executive producer Nigel Lythgoe says that he's already working on getting Carole King and (oh dear) Andrew Lloyd Webber to appear as mentors to the next group of Idol finalists.

Because apparently, everyone else they wanted to get is actually dead.

McPhee's Got the McPhlegm

My favorite "American Idol" runner-up ever, the lovely Katharine McPhee, is already cashing in her sick days just in time for the kick-off of the "Idol" tour.

Naturally I wish KMcPhee a speedy recovery... primarily because I have a ticket to see her shake her bountiful ass on July 16 at Nassau Coliseum.

Seriously, toots, you best rest up. I ain't paying 50 smackers and schlepping out to Long Island just so's Kellie Pickler can burst my ear drums and Taylor Hicks can send me into a fit of hysterical blindness courtesy of his on-stage convulsions. Sorry... dancing.

So, get to healing! Otherwise, I'll demand a refund AND a private show. Actually, even if you do perform on the 16th, Kat, I still want my own private show anyway. And by "private show," I mean that I want to bang you. Repeatedly. Just be sure to leave your scary boyfriend at home. After all, he's old and decrepit and certainly not ready for THIS jelly.

Photo: FOX

'So You Think You Can Dance': The Recap

Hi, I'm Dan Karaty. I'm short. Because I'm bitter about my small stature, I'm going to just openly hate on everyone for no good reason

Someone was in a wee bad mood last night. The man, not the mood. Here's a tip, Dan. If Nigel loved it and Mary Murphy screamed like a banshee, and you hated it, you're probably wrong. Can we just be done with Dan and put Cicely and Olisa in permanent rotation?

Some things I loved about last night that Mejack is sure to disagree with. I adore Heidi. I want her to sleep over my house, and I want to drink lots of Jolt and paint each other's toenails and look up ex-boyfriends on Myspace and make fun of their new girlfriends. She unleashed her inner funky white girl, and brought it last night. Also, I thoroughly enjoyed Brian Friedman's creepy doll routine. I thought Ashlee and Dmitry did a spectacular job with it, too. That's right, Dan Karaty. Suck it.

I really need to start watching the show in real time and not later on DVR. I watch it right smack in the middle of voting, and I seriously vote for everyone. I had to vote for Benji and Donyelle three times to make up for the fact that I voted for everyone else once. Ivan and Allison got two votes. In fact, the only people I didn't vote for last night are Jessica and Jaymz. Jessica, incidentally, bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein, don't you think?

Predictions? I think Jessica and Jaymz are both going home tonight. Not that they're not good dancers, because they are. But they're a little lacking in the personality department. Or maybe they just got the Melissa McGhee treatment. I'm still bitter about Melissa McGhee, to tell you the truth. Homegirl got shafted on camera time. My other two couple predictions for the bottom three: Heidi and Ryan and Martha and Travis. That's right. I said Martha and Travis. Think I'm wrong? I'm never wrong. Okay, I'm often wrong, and I may even be wrong about this, but who knows? Watch and see.

My top two favorite dancers right now? Benji and Allison. But if Musa and Dmitry want to tag team me, and by tag team me I mean have lots of sex with me at the same time, in case you thought I was talking about touch football or some shit, then I'll gladly change my vote.