Apparently, Her Audition Blew Them Away

While "American Idol" may boast of the infamous auditions of William Hung, Crazy Dave Hoover and that hooker chick who kept cursing out Paula and showing us her snatch, I think this "Canadian Idol" hopeful takes top prize for most memorable audition ever.

Wow, not a single person on "American Idol" ever squeezed the cheese into a hot mic. Well done, oh flatulent neighbor to our north! Your country has outdone us again. First hockey, then my beloved hair schmutz and now this. Merci!

P.S. If any of you can chime in and let us know if the squeaky songstress made it through to the next round, we'd be most grateful.

Brandy Hates Burlesque People

I'm not a fan of the Brandy. The singer nor the beverage, in case you needed clarification. Although, that duet she did with Monica a few years back was kinda hot. But whatever, as a person, she's a tool.

Well, if I'm being honest, I never really gave her much thought prior to last week. Now that I'm watching "America's Got Talent" and have witnessed her antics as a judge? Girlfriend has found herself smack-dab in my bitchy cross-hairs. She has ratcheted high up on my list of people I loathe. She's getting into Taylor Hicks territory. That's serious.

I find her to be vapid, humorless and not the least bit interesting or entertaining. Actually, that pretty much sums up "America's Got Talent" as a whole, but whatever, I had the strep and I was bored so I watched again... and um, took stills with my camera. Shut up.

Lest you think I'm pulling my hatred out of thin air, I would like, if I may, to take you on a photographic journey on why I found Brandy so despicable this week...

Here we have the lovely Michelle L'amour doing a sassy-yet-safe-for-primetime burlesque number. I applauded her efforts.

Judging by the puss on Brandy's face, she did not...

I thought perhaps Brandy was concerned for the young'uns in the audience and was put off by Michelle's seductive strut on the otherwise family-friendly stage. I can understand if that were Brandy's concern. However! Allow me to present you all with Exhibit B, aka one of the members of Side Swipe, the... um... what were they exactly? Dance karate troupe? Whatever. They were the dudes who came on right after Michelle L'amour and flailed around the stage all shirtless and suggestive-like.

Heavens to Betsy! Certainly the morality marm of "America's Got Talent" won't stand for such filth on this program! Let's gauge her reaction!

What's this? Why, she looks pleased! Delighted, even. Oh, where oh where have Miss Brandy's delicate sensibilities gone? Why she looks happier than a pig in shit after having witnessed those dirty hooligans exposing their heaving, glistening, chiseled chests to the innocent eyes in the audience.

But what about the children, Brandy? What about the children?!

Now, don't get me wrong. Despite being one of the lezzies, I can -- and do -- still appreciate the male physique. Who am I to deny Brandy a wee tingle in her cooch? I will not block the taco. Ever. But, dude, what was up with that face (scroll up) when her fellow female bared a wee bit of skin? Methinks Brandy is a member in good standing of the He-Man Woman Haters Club. That's what methinks. In fact, Brandy, hand in your vagina! You're a disgrace and not fit to possess a beaver. You disgust me.

Michelle L'amour, on the other hand? Hand ME your vagina. Or let's have dinner first. Whichever. Call me.

Paris Bennett Is Famous

She has to be. She made it onto The Almighty Fug.

Good for you Paris Bennett.

A Second Helping o' 'Talent'

Okay, so I relented and watched the second episode of "America's Got Talent." The fact that I'm laid up with a nasty dose of strep throat and bored out my skull had everything to do with it. The show still blows but I do have to say that the one-hour format wasn't nearly as bad as last week's 120-minute torture fest.

Alas, the fact that I'm laid up with a nasty dose of strep throat prohibits me from staying up any later and writing about it. Y'all come back tomorrow for a bitchy recap and more damning photos of that ho, Brandy. Enticing, no?

America's Got Talent? Really? Where?

Okay, so I finally got around to watching "America's Got Talent." Um, the show blows. Even though I promised you a weekly weigh-in, I don't know if I can provide snarky, informed commentary on such drivel. It was painful. It was quite possibly the most poorly-paced program I've ever had the misfortune to witness. "The Joy of Painting" looks positively frenetic in comparison.

Why, pray tell, do the judges have to voice their vote even after they've pressed their "Gong Show"-type buzzer? Doesn't that big red X (an audio and visual rip-off of the "Family Feud," if there ever was one. Sue the pants off them, Richard Dawson!) count as their "nay" vote? Why do we have to hear them blather on? It makes no sense and it just prolongs the torture. Stop it, producers of "America's Got Talent." Stop it right now.

I know Simon Cowell is one of the brains behind the program but the overlapping elements from "American Idol" are just too much. It's embarrassing. I mean, if you were going to rob from Peter to pay Paul, Simon, why didn't you at least lift some of the addictive entertainment value?!?!

Instead, we got the three judge format. First up, there's Piers, the snotty Brit; then there's Brandy, the washed-up, airheaded pop singer sandwiched between two penises. Brandy's dumber and duller than Paula. She actually makes me long for Paula. Bitch, you're making me long for Paula! What the fuck is wrong with you, Brandy?! I hate you.

And then, of course, there's David Hasselhoff, the complete retard with not an ounce of wit or irony. He's totally biting off Randy Jackson in this regard. Call your lawyer, Randy. He's stealing your act. And propensity for bad eyewear.

Speaking of The Hoff, what does this dude have against juggling? Boyfriend was downright hostile to all the jugglers. I don't love them myself but David was quite the douche about this particular talent. Um, I guess there's a joke about his balls in there somewhere but I'm too bored and disenchanted to go find it.

Oh and did you get a load of The Hoff's "dancing"? When the Rappin' Granny came on, he jumped up and flailed about emphasizing and punctuating his movements with an outward crotch thrust. It was rather menacing, if you ask me. I felt really violated. I might press charges, in fact.

I'm going to try to watch the show again. But I make no promises. That shit left me cranky. Well, crankier than usual.

Photo: Taken by moi. I snapped a picture of my TV while the show was on. Brandy looks demonic because of the blur but, well, I think it's appropriate and fair to portray her in such an unflattering and evil-looking light since she helped fritter away two valuable hours of my life. Fuck you, Brandy. You're the devil.

McBinge or 'American Idol' Cures Eating Disorders

I suppose coming out with a deep, dark, tragic secret once the public has (for the most part) forgotten about you is NOT AT ALL a completely obvious way to get back in the spotlight.

Either that, or she is taking a stab at the Nicole Ritchie/Mary Kate Olsen method of gaining publicity...the only difference being their giant heads are literal while hers is only metaphorical.

You be the judge.

Some Thought On Heidi Groskreutz from 'So You Think You Can Dance'

Mejack: I hate Heidi

Jess: Which one is she? The one who looks like Reese Witherspoon's younger sister?

Mejack: YES!

Jess: Oh, I love her.

Mejack: SHE'S SCARY.

Jess: I think she's sassy.

Mejack: I think she eats babies.

A Request for the 'So You Think You Can Dance' Producers

Dear 'So You Think You Can Dance' Producers:

I know we're kind of late in the season to make a new rule, but if y'all could make one that requires Musa to have his shirt off at all times, I'd be much obliged. But JUST Musa. Don't make me look at like, Ben, sans shirt, okay? Oh, and maybe Musa's pants, too. Oh, what the hell. Throw in the underpants and socks, too. But leave the underpants if you think the FCC might have a problem with it. And if he could maybe do all of his dancing in my bed, that would be fantastic. Thanks in advance!

Love,
Jess

Incoming!

Because of my fondness for all things Hoff-related and because of the program's ties to one Simon Cowell, I, Curly McDimple, am volunteering to be your roving "America's Got Talent" reporter. I set up my DVR just this morning to record the entire series.

I don't know about you but I look forward to issuing bitch slaps to the assholes across America who dare rear their less-than-talented heads in public. Stay tuned!

Photo: NBC

Siz-oulizzle Patrolizzle

Taylor Hicks and SNOOP-A-LOOP!

At Least It Beats Whoring for Lima Beans...

Move over Kathie Lee Gifford. Uh, wait... is Kathie Lee even still relevant enough to have to move over? Am I showing my age and/or laziness to think up a better example here? Oh, but that's not the point. My point is that the former "Live" cohost is no longer the quintessential cruise ship entertainer in the public's mind.

According to readers of "Time Out New York," Katharine McPhee is destined to be the one singing about the wonders of shuffle board, tacky dinner shows and forced merriment aboard what is, in essence, a giant, floating Petri dish. Legionnaire's, anyone?

Here are the rest of the results of this blasphemous poll:

Bust out the Ear Plugs

Because I'm always a day late and a dollar short, I totally forgot to warn, I mean, remind you that Taylor "The Tard" Hicks's single "Do I Make You Proud?" was released yesterday. A pox upon me. Clearly, I'll never get a job in Homeland Security.

Industry experts are expecting "brisk sales" of Hicks's first effort. What the experts didn't tell you is that emergency rooms nationwide are simultaneously bracing for an outbreak of bleeding ears.

So I Think We Can Dance

Ladies, I ordered this from amazon. I will be having a freestyle dance-off at my place. Attendance is mandatory.

Yee Ha! oops I mean BLAP! DING! UH! AND UH!

ZAP! BANG!

Hi y'all, I'm Chicken Supreme, and the ladies here at AM have graciously allowed me to join their reindeer games. Mejack and I were discussing Bri-Bri's interesting choreography technique this morning...he seems to enjoy employing comic book sounds instead of the traditional "one and two and three" stuff..."ha! pow! blam and HA!....ok people, let's take it from the OOF". While someone finally did convince Bri-Bri to cut his flowing Kenny G mane from last season, he now has a close cropped bed of curls that enhances his bulging eyes and razor sharp nose...sort of like Little Orphan Annie meets Mr. Garrison. Someone also played a mean joke on Mia the dramatic Lyrical choreographer, her haircut this season looks like the Special Olympics started sponsoring a Styling event. Everyone is a winner!

You Can Dance if You Want To

Hey kids! We've decided that, in addition to 'Idol'-related news, and the much-anticipated review of the 'Idols Live Tour,' we're going to post about 'So You Think You Can Dance.' Not as often, or as obsessively as 'Idol,' mind you, but here's hopeing it will fill the void. For all of us.

A Quickie Concerning KMcPhee

Kat's Gone and Got Herself One of Them There Recording Contracts
Here's hoping Katharine McPhee's more like Clay Aiken and less like, I don't know... no, really, I don't know. Seriously, who remembers any other runner-ups? Oh wait, there was the long hair from last season. But besides a pot bust and an appearance on "The Late Late Show with the Scottish Lad," what's Bo Bice done? That's right -- bupkus.

And Oh.my.God, did I really just wish that the ever-so-stunning Kat were more like the SO NOT stunning Clay? Sorry. I haven't eaten dinner yet. I blame falling blood sugar. Yeah, that's it.

Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hot Like Me, KMcPhee?
Say... just a few days ago, Kat's Wikipedia entry spoke of a boyfriend named Nick. That bit of trivia is conspicuously absent now. I swear I had nothing to do with it. Bent Fabric? Kathryn? Was it either of you?! Fess up, now.

Speaking of Kathryn, Miss Thang was good enough to hook me up with some actual, you know, info to associate with this otherwise lame bit o' non-news. Turns out VH-1's "Best Week Ever" got their grubby hands on a photo of McPhee and the lucky bastard. Now is it just me, or is he a bit geriatric looking?

But I'm not jealous or anything...

Photo: FOX

Updates

Chris Daughtry returns home to McLeansville, doesn't act like a douche for once (Charlotte Observer)

Daughtry also turns down Fuel, mistakenly believes he can do better (People Magazine)

Carrie Underwood is country's new "It" girl, Jesus heaves big sigh of relief and says he's finally "taking some fucking time off to relax." (Tennessean)

Thanks to Taylor Hicks, grey is the new blonde. Barf. (The Enquirer)

Taylor twitches and tards it up for Wal-Mart shareholders (Wal-Mart Official Site)

TomKat asks Tits McPhee to sing at wedding. Jess shudders. (Dose)

No Comment(s)

Okay, so I've wanted to change the commenting systems from Blogger to Haloscan for some time now. By not implementing them, like, right.away, I showed a remarkable amount of patience for my usually impulsive ass. Too bad that didn't last. I was doing some tinkering with the comments this morning and made the switch to Haloscan. It seemed easy enough... until I realized that all of the existing comments were eaten up. Gone. Finito. Shit-canned.

For those of you who left comments, I apologize that they're now in limbo. I assure you I didn't deliberately nuke them. Please feel free to now roam about the cabin and comment at will.

Thank you,
Curly

Update: I was able to retrieve some comments from May and June. The rest, unfortunately, are kaput.

Put Up Your Dukes, Cowell

Remember when I provided some vague details about the slap fest brewing between Prince and Simon? Well, actually, it's not really between them necessarily. It seems like Simon's doing all the talking in this battle. Oh, details schmetails! There's definitely a shit storm a-brewin', however one-sided.

Check out The Feed for a far more fleshed-out feature on the feud. There are, like, actual quotes and links and shit. You know, all that stuff I was too lazy to research the other day. While you're there, tell them who you think will win this wee pissing contest. Will it be the sarcastic Simon or the oh-so-prickly Prince? Go cast your vote!

My money's on Simon. Who knows what sort of lethal weapons he hides in that brush cut of his?

Photos: Prince, CBS/AP; Simon Cowell, FOX

'Idol' Rage

There are a lot of things my mom and I don't agree on -- sushi, death metal and Kellie Pickler, par example. And my mom and I discussed 'Idol' at great length this season. She didn't understand my love for Bucky. I didn't understand how she could think Ace was "just so cute." The arguments got a little heated, but we never came to blows.

Not true for 24-year-old Cory K. Favreau from Plattsburgh, NY (upstate represent!), who was so incensed by his mother's claim that Katherine McPhee would have a successful career despite her 'Idol' loss that he got violent. I know it's totally wrong to laugh at some dude beating his moms, but honestly. Here's how it went down, according to the Plattsburgh Press Republican:

Favreau allegedly stood up, made a malicious comment to his mother and struck her in the head with a sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain.

Upstate New Yorkers don't buy their weapons, see, they make them. Y'all should have seen the slingshot I made in third grade that launched flesh-eating caterpillars. You can read the rest of the article here, and you can also pop on over to TMZ to see what an 'Idol'-lovin' Mom beater looks like.

I blame Taylor Hicks and his Soul Patrol for this malarkey.

In a Word... Brilliant

Emily over at Progressive Boink has written quite possibly the most perfect "American Idol" recap ever. I implore you to read it. I'll beat yo ass if you don't. My, I'm violent these days, no?

Here's a wee teaser:

Kevin Covais singing, "What's New, Pussycat?" I want all of you ladies to imagine a lisping 85 lb 16 year-old singing about your "sweet little pussycat lips." Then go wash yourself with lava soap.

When [Prince] whips out a comb (!!!) to comb his hair in the middle of a performance you should be cackling and mocking him, but you CAN'T, because his Mexi-stache emits PHEROMONES and you are too busy fucking your television.

I seriously bow to Emily's greatness. Read more here. Hmmm... I wonder if she's free for dinner.

Via Sheila