Out of Hiding

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Holy crap, you guys.

I've been saying for awhile now that this is the greatest season of Idol ever, and now we're about to embark on a finale so magical that I couldn't not write about it. Here's how I've felt every other season at this point.

Season 1: Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini
Had Justin Guarini won, I never would have watched the show again. I loved Kelly Clarkson intensely, and hated Justin Guarini with the fire of a thousand suns.

Season 2: Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken
I thought Ruben was all right, but found Clay Aiken creepy and loathsome. He's grown on me a bit since, mostly because of his guest run on Scrubs, but at the time I was just like, "Um, I'll root for Ruben? I guess?"

Season 3: Fantasia Barrino and Diana DeGarmo
Didn't really care.

Season 4: Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice
Felt almost as intensely as in season 1 that Carrie should win over Bo, but my love for Carrie was not as strong as my love for Kelly.

Season 5: Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee
I thought McPhee kind of sucked by the time we got to the finale, in that she was really inconsistent, but was rooting for her over Taylor Hicks. Honestly, if I hadn't had the blog, I probably would have stopped watching when Taylor won, such was my anger and disappointment.

Season 6: Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis
Was only rooting for Jordin because I didn't want smarmy, lame Blake Lewis to win.

Season 7: David Cook and David Archuleta
Hated David Cook. Found David Archuleta creepy and sad. Didn't really want either one of them to win.

Which brings us to now. No matter who wins, I will be completely, 100 percent delighted. I think they're both smart and talented and adorable, albeit it in completely different ways -- Chris is subtle, Adam's in your face. No matter who wins, I think they're both going to have long, successful careers.

You guys, this season might have gotten me invested enough in the show again to want to blog about it next year. Can you believe it? Oh, and Gokey? Suck it.

It's Not You, It's Us. Really.

Greetings, put-upon and oh-so-patient minions. As you may have noticed, American Midol has been a bit of a ghost town lately, much like that old abandoned town the Bradys drove through on that fateful Grand Canyon vacation. "Booobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbby! Cinnnnnnnnndddddddddddy!" Was it just me or did you want to eat baked beans out of flashlight too after that episode?

Anyhoo, the lonely old gold prospector, played by Mr. Howell of Gilligan's Island fame, falsely imprisoned the entire clan and then made off with their station wagon. Thank God they were all wearing belts that Mr. Brady could fasten together into a key-grabbing lasso of sorts. What skill! I bet Mr. Brady won tons of stuffed animals and other useless crap in those games-of-skill at amusement parks. Perhaps even Kitty Carryall was part of that booty!

Um, what was I going on about? Oh right... we've kind of sucked this season in that whole daily news reporting and show recapping department. Okay, so that wasn't a seamless or even logical segue but work with me here.

Watching American Idol is a bit of a time suck. There are multiple episodes in a week and the greedy bastards at Fox insist on pummeling us with drawn-out performance and results shows. Our writing "staff" has dwindled so it's really hard to keep up. It sucks for us and it sucks for you guys who have come to count on us for timely and super-bitchy recaps.

Aside from the time restraints, the show kinda blows this season. We blame the revamped format in conjunction with something far more sinister -- Kara's cleavage. It's a very distracting decolletage! Who can concentrate on the singers when THAT looms so large? Not even the baffling physics behind Simon's brush cut nor Paula's alarming sanity level have rendered us this mute in seasons past.

So, we're not going to retire the blog completely but we are going to officially ease up on the regular posting. We'll still chime in from time-to-time if and when the mood strikes. Kindly keep us in your Google Reader and continue to follow us on Twitter, just in case.

Thanks,
Curly and Jess

Results

Well, Dial Idol was right - Danny Gokey, Michael Sarver and Alexis Grace are through to the next round. Here's hoping my man Anoop gets a wild card spot. On the bright side, NO MORE TATIANA! I look forward to reporting on her post-show meltdown, followed by her never being heard from again. Wishful thinking? Full recap coming soon!

Live Show Recap: First 12

I was really excited going into this week. I almost believed the "best talent pool ever" hype that Ryan Seacrest was drilling into our heads, for the first time ever. But the first live show of this season was basically a big old pile of suck.

We start the show at the judges' table, of course. Randy Jackson is wearing a black and white printed scarf, and what appears to be a long-sleeved white T-shirt with a black armband. I don't fucking know, people. Kara has her boobs firmly in check, and to that I say, "Well done, m'lady!" Paula Abdul is wearing Bret Michaels' weave in a darker shade of brown, and Simon Cowell looks just like he always does. Ryan's wearing the Kenneth Cole sweater I convinced the boyfriend to buy two years ago and is sporting darker-hued locks, which somehow gives Simon and Ryan an excuse to flirt with each other. Kara makes some ill-advised comments about being under the table, and Paula takes long pauses between every word she says to concentrate. And this… is… AMERICAN IDOL!

Here is your first Top 12:

Jackie Tohn
Ricky Braddy
Alexis Grace
Brent Keith
Stevie Wright
Anoop Desai
Casey Carlson
Michael Sarver
Ann Marie Boskovich
Stephen Fowler
Tatiana Del Toro (naturally the first Vote for the Worst pick of the season)
Danny Gokey

And here is how they did:

Jackie Tohn
"A Little Less Conversation" - Elvis Presley
In her pre-performance interview, she's wearing a purple number with aggressive shoulder pads. If you think that's bad, she hits the stage wearing a polka dotted tube top, wide red belt, shiny black spandex pants and high-top sneakers. Yeah, I know. While I'm watching her perform, and I mean PERFORM, it hits me -- Jackie Tohn is the female Taylor Hicks. I like her voice, but I can't watch her. After her performance, we meet her adorable parents. Her Dad is wearing a Jackie T-shirt.
The verdict:
Randy: Likes her energy, but could have done without her vocals. Also likes her "trousers" because he's a pervert
Kara: Big personality, not the best vocals
Paula: Got her up dancing, not perfect, but perfect is sometimes boring
Simon: Thinks she played the clown, gimmicky, hated the outfit

Ricky Braddy
"A Song for You" - Leon Russell
He's got a really good voice and a pleasantly earnest delivery, but he suffers from Melissa McGhee Syndrome® - got no airtime in the early stages so the viewers have no emotional connection to him. His parents are also wearing T-shirts emblazoned with their son's name. Did Idol make T-shirts for all the parents, or is this some weirdo parental competition thing?
The verdict:
Randy: Unbelievable, way to kick off the show (Um, he didn't.)
Kara: Killed it, effortless
Paula: Deserves to go far
Simon: Good vocal, but no star quality

Alexis Grace
"Never Loved A Man" - Aretha Franklin
She had to dirty up her image in Hollywood, which means pink streaks in her hair. She started out shaky, then got better in the middle. I thought the low notes were iffy. The good parts were REALLY good, though. Her parents obviously don't love her, because they are not wearing Alexis T-shirts.
The verdict:
Randy: Loving her, worked it out.
Kara: Genie is out of the bottle
Paula: Passion, soul, confidence
Simon: Best contestant so far, actually does have soul and confidence, dark horse, reminds him of Kelly Clarkson

Brent Keith
"Hicktown" - Jason Aldean
There's a tape screw up at the beginning, and it looks like they aren't going to be able to show his video. That would suck for him, as we don't really know him yet. They finally get it together, though, and show it. Then he takes the stage. I guess he's good, but it's country and it's not Johnny Cash so I'm kind of at a loss. You'd think that the fact that I'm half redneck would give me some sort of affinity for country music, but it doesn't. Classic rock is another story.
The verdict:
Randy: New edge to country with an old country swagger
Kara: It was a little safe, no soul
Paula: Agrees it was safe, but can see him as a country star
Simon: Forgettable. Also disses Bucky Covington, which makes me want to kick Simon. Brent says he doesn't think country fans will forget it, and may have been right if we didn't have Michael Sarver coming up.

Stevie Wright
"You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift
She started out really low and flat and awful, and it didn't get much better. The whole thing is painful, and the look on her face says she knows it. Her parents think the judges' critiques were "confusing," and Ryan basically tells her she's going home. I really liked her up until this point, so it bums me out a bit.
The verdict:
Randy: Not hot, not feeling it at all
Kara: Picked the wrong song
Paula: Low range was too low, wrong song
Simon: Terrible, zero chance of her making it to the next round

Anoop Desai
"Angel of Mine" - Monica
While this wasn't my favorite vocal of his, I fucking love him. He makes me smile.
The verdict:
Randy: A little sharp, but still a huge fan
Kara: Didn't nail it, likes him
Paula: America already loves him, different side of him
Simon: Little bit too grown up and serious

Casey Carlson
"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - Police
Before I heard the judges' critique, I thought that it felt very karaoke. Like, someone who is the best karaoke singer in their little hometown and takes themselves very seriously. I do think she's adorable, though, and her shiny outfit is the shit. She tries not to cry as the judges rip her apart, and succeeds.
The verdict:
Randy: Kind of weird for him
Kara: Everything about it was wrong
Paula: There was no connection
Simon: Atrocious

Michael Sarver
"I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin McGraw
I found this super weird. I actually don't hate this song, but I hated his delivery. There were some high points, but the lows were really low. Performance-wise it was good. Afterward, he looks a little defeated.
The verdict:
Randy: Started out rough and weird, not so great
Kara: Not best performance, but a crowd pleaser
Paula: Thought it was good
Simon: Tricky because they like him, not the best vocal, hopes America gives him another shot

Ann Marie Boskovich
"Natural Woman" - Aretha Franklin
I like the arrangement, it was kind of country. It was okay, but kind of forgettable. I didn't find it anywhere near as bad as the judges did.
The verdict:
Randy: Not the right choice, fell short of girls on the show who have rocked it
Kara: Song too big for her, old-fashioned
Paula: She did better than Hollywood Week
Simon: If they were searching for a hotel singer, it would have been good. Her voice is not good enough for that song. She may have blown it.

Stephen Fowler
"Rock With You" - Michael Jackson
Right off the bat, he sounds pitchy to me. He's also singing a step behind the music. As it progresses, it just gets worse, which breaks my heart because I like him a lot.
The verdict:
Randy: Wrong song
Kara: Not connected
Paula: Wrong song
Simon: Wishes he had forgotten the lyrics

Tatiana Del Toro
"Saving All My Love For You" - Whitney Houston
In her pre-interview, Tatiana cried and acted crazy and paranoid. I wish she was a terrible singer, but her performance really wasn't that bad, which makes me want to rip my hair out. She toned it down a bit for this performance, but you could tell she wanted to rip her dress open and grow to 50 feet tall, after which she'd start plucking old people and small children from the audience and ripping their heads off with her teeth. SHE TOTALLY DID. Two seemingly normal guys who she calls her cousins even though they aren't are there to support her.
The verdict:
Randy: Had some impressive moments
Kara: Can sing, but where does she fit into the industry?
Paula: Most talked-about contestant, half pitchy and half-good
Simon: Complete and utter drama queen, desperate to be famous, surprisingly not bad, better than he expected, the demure thing makes him nervous

Danny Gokey
"Hero" - Mariah Carey
I hate this song, but I love Danny Gokey. Quandary! He delivered a good vocal, but it wasn't mind-blowing.
The verdict:
Randy: Redeemer of the night. Blazing hot.
Kara: Incredible.
Paula: Stellar. Two words with hyphens - sold-out arenas
Simon: It was good, but it wasn't fantastic, not buying the hype yet, but likes him. Ryan calls him "heartless." Look, I get that Danny Gokey has a tragic backstory. But does that mean that every little thing he does is magic? No. It doesn't. Nor does it mean that Scott McIntyre can blow a performance and still get praised just because he's blind. This show can't be graded on a sad story bell curve. It's insulting to the singers who haven't dealt with anything monumentally life-changing, and it's insulting to the good singers with tragic back-stories who don't have their talent honestly assessed. And thus concludes my soap box rant. Wanna call me heartless? Bring it, bitches. Also, how must Jamar feel while watching this shit show? His not being in the top 36 is fucking tragic.

In Jess' Perfect World: Danny, Alexis and Anoop make it through

What will actually happen: Danny, Alexis and Anoop make it through.

Dial Idol says: Danny, Alexis and Michael make it through.

If Vote for the Worst has any impact on the voting: Tatiana, Danny and Alexis make it through.

What will it be? Watch and find out. Some of us will be Twittering, too, and you don't want to miss that.

Hollywood Week: The Non-Recap Recap

The good news: We got to see some actual singing on the third night of Hollywood week, where the contestants got to sing with the band, and play instruments if they so desired.

The bad news: We will continue to be terrorized by Tatiana Del Toro and Norman Gentle.

There were so many performances, and they were so short, that I can't possibly recap them all. But here were the highlights, for me:

- Adam Lambert, doing a stripped down version of Cher's "Believe." I loved it.

- Nathaniel Marshall, playing guitar and doing an acoustic version of Rihanna's "Disturbia." I liked it better than I like the actual song. I love Rihanna, but it's not my favorite.

- Kristin McNamara, singing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. That chicks's got some pipes.

- Jamar Rogers singing Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah." Up until this moment, I've thought of Jamar as Danny Gokey's less talented BFF, but he rocked it. Also, I've only just now realized that Danny Gokey is like a bizarro Robery Downey Jr.

- Anoop Desai getting his Bobby Brown on with "My Prerogative." What size balls must one have to even attempt that? And he didn't just attempt it, either -- he owned it.

Lowlights:

- Casey Carlson, Joanna Pacitti and Stephen Fowler all forgot the words to their songs, but they still made it through.

- The amount of airtime given to Tatiana Del Toro. She can sing, sure, but there are better singers who are not completely batshit crazy. The producers are no doubt tenting their fingers like Mr. Burns in anticipation of her complete emotional meltdown when she gets voted off the show.

Not going through to the "Judges' Mansion": India Morrison, Michael Castro, Leneshe Young and a bunch of other people we never got the chance to know.

Tonight: The final 36... finally! In a two-hour special! With shitloads of filler! We're almost to the live shows, people! Hang in there!

Hollywood Week Begins! The Recap

We had a shortened audition schedule this year, but it still felt like an eternity. And now we're at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, where 147 hopefuls vie for 36 spots, and then later, one spot, which guarantees them the post-Idol fame of either Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Hicks. Which one do you think they want?

There's another new twist this season - Idol boot camp, where contestants have access to vocal coaches, stylists and a "glam squad." I'm initially annoyed by this, as I like seeing how the contestants progress from dumpy to divalicious during the course of the entire competition, but then I see them later and they all look as frumpified as they did before. Idol boot camp also features a surprise mentor - Barry Manilow, looking more like an aging high school girls' gym teacher than ever. Mentoring apparently consists of giving a speech, which he does while the contestants look bored and wonder who this lady is, and why she thinks she knows so much about music.

Day 1: Half of the 147 sing, the other half get to frolic around Hollywood. One unlucky person has to split him or herself in half and do both, but we aren't privy to that footage. Here's how it works this year: the 73.5 people performing today will be split into groups of 8, where they will take turns singing a capella. If they suck, they go home on the spot.

Apparently, Kara got the memo I sent, which said "COVER UP YOUR BREASTS SERIOUSLY I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR AREOLA EVERY TIME YOU TURN DO YOU WANT TO SLIP A NIPPLE?" because she's got that shit covered up. With a shiny grey bag, which she has belted. Paula is dressed like a Victorian dominatrix, with some sort of dog collar contraption. Randy borrowed Mr. Rogers' best sweater. And I think we all know what Simon is wearing.

Group 1: Lil Rounds, Dennis Brigham and 6 other people we will not be introduced to this time around. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" which is super screamy and fairly awful. The judges, for some bizarre reason, think it's awesome. Dennis Brigham sings "For Once In My Life," and it's a shit sandwich with no chips, and he makes his best crazy face while he sings. Lil and two other people make it. Dennis and four strangers are going home. Because Dennis doesn't just make crazy face, he actually IS crazy, he goes on a tirade that the judges are "sending the wrong message by sending him home." I would venture a guess that they're sending him home because he can't sing, which is actually the right message, in my humble opinion. Shut up and go home, Dennis. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Group 2: Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, Rose Flack, Michael Castro and three strangers. Nathaniel sings "When the Anchor Holds" and I like it, though I'm baffled by his ensemble. The tattoos and piercings are cool, and while I don't love the button-down with a T-shirt over it with a tie thing, I get it. But the kicky headband throws it all off. The judges tell him that he picked the wrong song, which I don't necessarily agree with, and then he cries like a little girl and I go from really liking him to thinking he might end up being an unstable drama boy. (Spoiler: I am correct.)
Anoop Desai sings "If It's Magic" and he kicks so much ass. I think I love Anoop. Jasmine Murray sings "The Trouble with Love Is," and she's great, but she still bores the crap out of me. Rose Flack is clearly out of her element, and she warbles through "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" and I really wish she'd pull it together because I want to like her, I really do. Michael Castro, oddly enough, gets no air time, and the entire group is through.

Group 3: Stephen Fowler, who we have not seen before, Jorge Nunez and Von Smith. Stephen sings Stevie Wonder's "Superwoman" and he immediately becomes my favorite guy singer because he is that awesome. Jorge is wearing a scarf that no American man could ever get away with. He sings "Just Another Day," and it's really good.

Then there's Von Smith, who I didn't like at all in auditions and I haven't changed my mind one bit. He shouts "If the Rain Must Fall" at the judges, and people in Japan can hear him, and Simon calls it "indulgent nonsense" and I agree. For some reason, they still send him through, along with Stephen and Jorge, who Kara calls "George," and the rest of the group will have to wait until next year to get their 15 minutes, because they're going home.

We don't get to see any more groups from Day 1, but we do get "treated" to a montage of Normal Gentle/Nick Mitchell, who I am so over. He can sing, but I'm sick of his shenanigans. He sings/performs "You're Gonna Love Me" with a shoutout to Seacrest in the middle, that I have to admit is funny. Randy calls him "banoodles," which I am totally cribbing. The judges send him through, again. Sigh. Also through on Day 1: Frankie Jordan and Scott MacIntyre.

Day 2:

Day 2 starts with Ford pimpage! It seems a bit early for that, no? Especially since Americans can't afford more than Big Wheels at the moment.

Kara's boobs are back on display in a red dress with a slit down to her lady bits. Paula is dressed like a saloon whore, and suddenly, I realize that Paula's wardrobe choices are so over the top that they have actually crossed the line to completely rad. Yup, I said it.

Group 1: Jackie Tohn sings "Rock Me Right," and it's WAY over the top and ridiculous. The judges like it, because they huff gasoline when we aren't looking, and send her through.

Group 2:
BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. Jamar sings "California Dreamin'" and it's good. Danny sings "Kiss From a Rose," and I really love his voice. They're both through, along with some other people.

Bikini girl time! UGH. She's wearing something sparkly with feathers at the bottom, but at least she's dressed, I guess. She molests Ryan while he mentally figures out how much of a raise to ask for next year. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill. It starts out pretty good, I have to admit, but then completely falls apart halfway through. Kara and Paula agree with my assessment, and Simon and Randy call them catty, because in case you haven't heard, girls are like totally mean and jealous and competitive and vindictive, y'all! It's why they pay us less! So sick of mean girls stereotypes. What was I saying about Katrina being a talentless whore? OMG YOU GUYS I'M SO MEAN. Anyway, she's through, along with the rest of her group.

Jessica Paige Furney, Sharon Wilbur and Patricia Roman Lewis are all out, but we don't get to see their performances.

Group 4: Is "Roughneck" an actual job title? Michael Sarver sings, "I'm Gonna Love You More Than Anyone," and it's good. Jesus Valenzuela sings Stevie Wonder's "Lately," and it's not. Michael is through. Our Lord and Savior is going home to his 30 kids. (I know he only has two, but I liked it better when I thought he had 30, so I'm going to just stick with that.)

Last Group: David Osmond, Erika Wesley, Emily Wynn-Hughes and that nerdy guy. David sings "The Way You look Tonight," and he's good. Erika Wesley sings "I Gave Her My Heart but She Wanted My Soul" and it's just okay for me. Then, Emily Wynn-Hughes sings "Excuse Me Mister" by No Doubt instead of "I Put a Spell on You" which she had actually rehearsed. It's shockingly terrible, and everyone is baffled. They still put her through, though, along with David and everyone else but Erika. Erika begs for another chance, and Paula lies that she was totally on board but all the meanies out-voted her. Erika continues to grasp at straws, claiming she has to get another shot because it's her cousin's birthday. LAME. They send her home.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith, Anne Marie Boskovich and Adam Lambert are also through, and the grand total of people through is 104. Tomorrow: Group round! Drama! Sequins and standing ovations! Can. Not. Wait.

Ladies and gentlemen... your top 36!

Is this true? Who knows, but we don't need for it to be true to post it here. Vote for the Worst has a not-yet-confirmed list of the top 36. And here they are:

Adam Lambert
Alexander Wagner-Trugman
Alexis Grace
Allison Iraheta
Ann Marie Boskovich
Anoop Desai
Arianna Ayesha Afsar
Brent Keith
Casey Carlson
Danny Gokey
Jackie Tohn
Jasmine Murray
Jeanine Vailes
Jessica Langseth
Joanna Pacitti
Jorge Nunez
Junot Joyner
Kai Kalama
Kendall Beard
Kristen McNamara
Kris Allen
Lil Rounds
Matt Breitzke
Matt Giraud
Megan Corkrey
Michael Sarver
Mishavonna Henson
Nathaniel Marshall
Nick Western
Ricky Braddy
Scott MacIntyre
Stephen Fowler
Stevie Wright
Taylor Vaifanua
Tatiana Del Toro
Von Smith

To be honest, I don't even remember who half of these people are. I do remember Tatiana Del Toro, though, and uh, really? REALLY?!

Recap: New York/Puerto Rico Auditions--always the hurricanes; blowing

Question!

Which of the below items does Fox most sorely owe me after last night's Puerto Rico and New York Idol auditions?

-- Cochlea Implants

-- $9.99 for the West Side Story soundtrack I just bought on itunes

-- Choreographed Magic!

If you guessed Choreographed Magic!, then damn straight. Because if there's one thing this theater nerd despised about this episode, it was trotting out the whole, "zomg, dueling Puerto Rico/New York auditions on the same night—just like West Side Story!" without FULLY COMMITING to the bit. You planted this bed of overcooked lasagna, producers—lay in your cheese. It's not like you don't have two long lines of fame-hungry over actors at your disposal. I want some stand-in Sharks, Jets, and a lot of well-timed snapping. It would have been so easy.

Unsurprisingly, I had to settle for a sadder sack of "fast-paced" New York vs. "nearing congestive heart failure" Puerto Rico stereotypes, further exacerbated by the show's constant flipping back and forth between the two islands. See, that's makin' my life hard, Idol, or at least super annoying.

But onward, fellow stage combat enthusiasts:

Kicking off the New York segment of last night's episode was 19-year-old Bronx native Adeola Adegoke, fan of Mariah and Mary J., quitter of day jobs, and an awful, awful singer. After four quick "no's" from the judges following her failed rendition of "And I am Telling You," Simon was strangely emphatic about calling Adeola's boss on her behalf to ask for her job back. But I was more perplexed by Randy's comment that singing "wasn't her skeeze." If someone could enlighten me on where one finds 'skeeze' aside from dirty old man bars, I'm all ears. Hollywood Verdict: Not happening.

Then we moved to San Juan to meet 20-year-old Jorge Nunez. Jorge was talented, dimply, and singing in a foreign language, so of course the judges were impressed, though they asked if he could sing something in English to cement their decision. Cue the following pearl of wisdom from Kara: "I felt your pronunciation wasn't as strong in English." Oh, no kidding, sage one, the Spanish speaker wasn't as strong outside of his first language? Simon schooled Kara right quick, elaborating that if they didn't want accents they would go to Omaha. But you already went to Omaha, remember guys? Good times. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Next was 20-year-old Jessika Bair from Michigan, singing Celine Dion's "I surrender." Spell-check and I are equally resentful of that unnecessary "k" by the way. Jessika is apparently great at winning other contests of questionable prestige and won the chance to audition in Puerto Rico accompanied by ten other friends/family members, all of them smart enough to lie their way to a free vacation by telling her of COURSE she is awesome and totally talented. Nope, said the judges, calling her over-the-top performance shrill. Cue excessive whining and pleading, which always goes over so well with that set. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

We then got a montage of equally sucky, indignant San Juanians before panning back to New York for the living embodiment of Beck's Nightmare Hippie Girl in the way of 21-year-old Melinda Camille singing "Feeling Good." Melinda sang fine, but whatever. Here were some of the phrases being tossed around during the audition, assuming my whole ‘stabbing mechanical pencil into eardrum' routine didn't too grossly impair my hearing: shift in universe; souls; dancing; naked; uplifting; naked; Randy naked; vitamin boost. Had enough? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (no exclamation).

Onto 21-year-old Jackie Tohn, a female Elmer Fudd in high-tops doing a ridiculously shtick-y rendition of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. The judges nixed Jackie's first song choice, imploring her to use her "normal voice" for the second song, which was still just okay. Lucky for her, a deus ex machina by way of crappy production values saved Jackie when pieces of the set behind the judges came crashing down. Flustered, they gave her a pass, but methinks she won't be long in Hollywood land. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Back to San Juan for some eye-rolling nonsense in the way of 23-year-old Joel Contreras, a giant cardboard iPod wearing time waster and consummate tool. It doesn't matter what he sang, and that's what's so frustrating about these faux-ditions. I thought this was supposed to be the new, less tool infused Idol? Why are we still giving these morons airtime? Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

Ditto for a swift cut back to New York to watch 27-year-old Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell butcher "And I am Telling You." The only redeeming facet of this segment:

Unfavorable remark from Simon
Norman Gentle: You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes!
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Norman Gentle: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?

Ho Ho! No Norm McDonald, perhaps, but this Norman's act is enough to elicit cackling and seal-claps from Paula, and we all know that when Paula laughs, Jesus smiles and an angel earns her pleather bustier. So incredibly, Nick/Norman/Cocoa Puffs got a golden ticket. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (?)

Back in Puerto Rico, 9-year-old Christopher blows the judges away. He's so adorable! So articulate! He brought a seashell for them, but then the seashell broke! Oh, Hagatha over there? That would be his 16-year-old sister, contestant Monique Garcia Torres singing "You Can't Hurry Love." Monique was actually pretty cute herself and possessed a decent, if underdeveloped, voice, but the judges weren't entirely convinced. Lucky for Monique, they were so smitten with little Christopher that they agreed to give her a pass. Question for their future therapists: which of the two will be most mind warped when telling this anecdote—Christopher for being a blatant pawn, or Monique for needing one to make it to the next stage of the competition? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Oh, former psychotic contestant from Philly, 24-year-old Alexis Cohen. The Idol producers totally conned you into this "brand new woman" persona for the New York auditions, didn't they? Lame, lame, lame, especially considering that the "new, lady-like" Alexis in a dress was even more disturbing than the first -- kind of a cross between Alex from The Real Housewives of NYC and a recovering meth addict on Intervention. Well "Alexis Doolittle" was just as unappealing the second go-around while warbling "Like a Prayer." After thanking the judges for being unanimously panned, she curtseyed and demurely ducked out of the audition room. Ha ha, nope: there's only so much you can suppress the crazy, people. Eventually it comes flying out in matching flipped birds and f-bombs, which was totally the case here. Nice try, Alexis! For what it's worth, I think Simon genuinely loves you. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

For the last audition, we crawled back to San Juan, where everybody was fast asleep from their own mind-numbing boringness. 20-year-old Patricia Lewis Roman tried to put some pep in out step with her rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" to no real avail. Still, the judges were feeling benevolent and decided to wave Patricia through, a decision that was met with much fanfare by the fifty bajillion people waiting for her outside the audition room, making her the last acceptance of the day. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Thus concludes this turf-war of mediocrity-smoke in your pipe and put THAT IN, folks!

Next week... HOLLYWOOD!